IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

In many countries, the government spends a large amount of money on the arts. Some people agree with this. However, others think the government should spend more on healthcare and education. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion

✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
In some nations, investment has become a momentous decision between
arts
Use synonyms
 or
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
.
This
Linking Words
 essay will explain both perspectives and why I believe that allocating the government's budget
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
 brings up more benefits
especially
Add the comma(s)
, especially
show examples
 for society. On the
first
Correct word choice
other
show examples
 hand,
arts
Use synonyms
 are extremely crucial
which
Correct word choice
and
show examples
 are directly related to country culture.
Therefore
Linking Words
, authorities are spending
money
Use synonyms
 to develop
arts
Use synonyms
 since
this
Linking Words
 can
also
Linking Words
 save tradition.
However
Linking Words
, some
arts
Use synonyms
 do not require
money
Use synonyms
 for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
improvement,
such
Linking Words
 as Music. Particularly, creativity is necessary for becoming a musician owing to the difference in personality of a musician.
In addition
Linking Words
,
arts
Use synonyms
 are freedom and it is updated
everyday
Replace the word
every day
show examples
, so if a country pays
money
Use synonyms
 for
this
Linking Words
 field,
as a result
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 expenditure can be a waste of
money
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
healthcare
Use synonyms
 and
education
Use synonyms
 are two of the most essential things for the development of a country. So, financing
on
Change preposition
in
show examples
this
Linking Words
 field is a judicious decision of the government which provides advantages
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
 children's future and resident’s health. To be more specific, the dedication of
money
Use synonyms
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
education
Use synonyms
 might increase the quality of school programs, so students will have more chances to access better
education
Use synonyms
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, funding
on
Change preposition
for
show examples
healthcare
Use synonyms
such
Linking Words
 as the construction of new hospitals or the addition of modern medical facilities may improve public health. In conclusion,
although
Linking Words
 there is a group of people who trust that the government's budget should take part in art, staking in
education
Use synonyms
 and
healthcare
Use synonyms
being
Wrong verb form
is
show examples
 more beneficial. In short, purchasing for the development of the latter is more considerable.

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Your essay provides a balanced consideration of both perspectives, which is good. However, to improve the task achievement score, it would be beneficial to present more specific examples supporting each side of the argument. Clear and specific examples help to strengthen your argument and demonstrate a deeper understanding of the topic.
coherence cohesion
The coherence and cohesion in your essay are generally strong, with a logical structure and clear progression of ideas. However, a few places could benefit from smoother transitions or additional linking words to enhance the flow of ideas. Consider adding phrases to connect sentences and paragraphs more fluidly.
introduction conclusion present
You have effectively introduced the topic and provided a conclusion that reflects the essence of your argument. This helps in maintaining a structured approach.
logical structure
The logical structure of your essay is commendable as it presents both views systematically before offering your opinion. This logical progression aids in understanding your viewpoint clearly.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • allocate funds
  • cultural heritage
  • economic benefits
  • job opportunities
  • community well-being
  • creative outlets
  • public health systems
  • access to medical treatments
  • reduce waiting times
  • quality education
  • modern learning facilities
  • basic needs
  • human rights
  • preserve national identity
  • cultural and social benefits
What to do next:
Look at other essays: