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Band 5.5

The quality of life in some big cities is becoming worse every year. What is the main cause of this problem? What solution could you suggest?

#quality #life #cities #year
Nowadays, the level of
life
's quality has had a descending trend
due to
 some reasons.
Therefore
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
people's satisfaction
also
 will
be declined
Wrong verb form
decline
show examples
 in the future.
This
 adverse result stems from some
economical
Replace the word
economic
show examples
 and educational reasons that can be addressed in some proper ways. In
this
 essay, I will outline the main causes and their possible solutions.
Firstly
, when it comes to economic issues, mainly the governments are responsible
to suggest
Change preposition
for suggesting
show examples
 a rational strategy.
For instance
, in our
country
Add a comma
country,
show examples
 the dollar's price has not had a constant value for roughly 30 years, and the trend has a big jump every year, unfortunately.
Additionally
, it has a huge effect on
life
 quality and in some rare cases, each individual might face a catastrophic failure in his/her
life
.
As a result
, the government might come
into
Change preposition
to
show examples
this
 conclusion to devote an enormous amount of money to tourism sectors that can bring money to the country.
In addition
, the educational systems lack some special criteria in schools and universities. These issues should be solved as soon as possible.
Moreover
,
this
 field
prone
Add a missing verb
is prone
show examples
 to having gigantic problems in the future.
For example
,
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
elementary schools should convey some
knowledges
Change the wording
knowledge
pieces of knowledge
bits of knowledge
show examples
 about ethical aspects of
life
beside
Change preposition
besides
show examples
 mathematical problems.
Thus
, young adults can cope with their problems more efficiently. All in all, these kinds of issues exist all around the world, and they are bolder in big cities
due to
 the power of
advertisement
Correct article usage
the advertisement
show examples
 system. There are dozens of solutions for each critical
circumstances
Fix the agreement mistake
circumstance
show examples
, and governments should take a survey on how to deal with them in an appropriate manner.
Submitted by aneizehbaz on

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coherence cohesion
To enhance clarity and coherence, you might want to use more transition words and phrases to better guide the reader through your arguments and explanations. This will help make the logical connections between ideas clearer.
task achievement
In your task achievement, focus more on providing clear and comprehensive ideas. Ensure that each main point is clearly explained, and the relationships between ideas are unambiguous for improved communication of your message.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion sections of your essay are well-written, providing a clear context and summarizing your points effectively.
task achievement
You address the task effectively by identifying main causes and possible solutions, showing a good understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant and help illustrate your points effectively, which adds strength to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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