IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Governments should provide care and finance for retired people while others believe that people themselves should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion.

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It is believed that
people
Use synonyms
 are responsible for finances and healthcare after retirement.
While
Linking Words
 many, myself included, tend to adopt a more robust stance in favour of that states are responsible for
people
Use synonyms
's well-being and their
pension
Use synonyms
 when they are elderly. On the one hand, it is claimed that the
authorities
Use synonyms
 should not interfere in
people
Use synonyms
's health and economic situation because
people
Use synonyms
theirself
Correct your spelling
themselves
show examples
 are responsible for providing
their
Change preposition
for their
show examples
 future.
Also
Linking Words
, the governments are not responsible for
people
Use synonyms
's illness or bankruptcy.
For example
Linking Words
, in
Iran
Add a comma
Iran,
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 are able to pay for insurance in order to provide them a private
pension
Use synonyms
 in their retirement.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, It is believed that if the governments do not spend money on providing care and financial support for elderlies, they will invest it in more significant areas of their countries.
Moreover
Linking Words
, Investing money
for
Change preposition
in
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
governments is crucial because the investments could bring about economic developments in
long
Correct article usage
the long
show examples
 term.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, it is said that individuals dedicate their young ages to work for
advancement
Add an article
the advancement
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 of their country and
they
Correct pronoun usage
their
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 right to be provided by the
authorities
Use synonyms
 when
got
Verb problem
they are
show examples
 old.
Also
Linking Words
, particularly for those with arduous jobs who might lose their well-being
Add a comma
,
show examples
the states should compensate for it.
Moreover
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, it is considered that folk spend
significant
Add an article
a significant
show examples
 amount of tax during their life.
Thus
Linking Words
, the
authorities
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 should retrieve the money which they
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
spent on taxes and consider a
pension
Use synonyms
 for them during their old age. In conclusion,
while
Linking Words
 folk are in charge of their future and there are myriad priorities for the
authorities
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, it seems more rational to subscribe to the view that the states should consider applying the
pension
Use synonyms
 for elderlies
due to
Linking Words
 respect to their years of working and taxes which they were paid.

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, include more specific examples to support your arguments. This will help in illustrating the points better.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing coherence by ensuring smoother transitions between ideas. This can be done by employing more linking words and phrases.
task achievement
The essay effectively presents both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and presents a clear stance.
coherence cohesion
The introduction provides a clear overview of the topic and establishes context well.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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