Governments should provide care and finance for retired people while others believe that people themselves should save money when they get older. Discuss both views and give your opinion.
It is believed that the states should compensate for it.
people
are responsible for finances and healthcare after retirement. While
many, myself included, tend to adopt a more robust stance in favour of that states are responsible for people
's well-being and their pension
when they are elderly.
On the one hand, it is claimed that the authorities
should not interfere in people
's health and economic situation because people
theirself
are responsible for providing Correct your spelling
themselves
their
future. Change preposition
for their
Also
, the governments are not responsible for people
's illness or bankruptcy. For example
, in Iran
Add a comma
Iran,
people
are able to pay for insurance in order to provide them a private pension
in their retirement. Furthermore
, It is believed that if the governments do not spend money on providing care and financial support for elderlies, they will invest it in more significant areas of their countries. Moreover
, Investing money for
Change preposition
in
the
governments is crucial because the investments could bring about economic developments in Correct article usage
apply
long
term.
Correct article usage
the long
On the other hand
, it is said that individuals dedicate their young ages to work for advancement
of their country and Add an article
the advancement
they
right to be provided by the Correct pronoun usage
their
authorities
when got
old. Verb problem
they are
Also
, particularly for those with arduous jobs who might lose their well-beingAdd a comma
,
Moreover
, it is considered that folk spend significant
amount of tax during their life. Add an article
a significant
Thus
, the authorities
should retrieve the money which they were
spent on taxes and consider a Unnecessary verb
apply
pension
for them during their old age.
In conclusion, while
folk are in charge of their future and there are myriad priorities for the authorities
, it seems more rational to subscribe to the view that the states should consider applying the pension
for elderlies due to
respect to their years of working and taxes which they were paid.Submitted by rezaei.rezvan94 on
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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, include more specific examples to support your arguments. This will help in illustrating the points better.
coherence cohesion
Work on enhancing coherence by ensuring smoother transitions between ideas. This can be done by employing more linking words and phrases.
task achievement
The essay effectively presents both sides of the argument, demonstrating a balanced discussion.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion effectively summarizes the key points and presents a clear stance.
coherence cohesion
The introduction provides a clear overview of the topic and establishes context well.
Your opinion
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Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.
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...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?
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