IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

Although there are a lot of gyms, people are not interested in working out and want to lead a sedentary lifestyle.

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Although
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 there are a lot of
gyms
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,
people
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 are not interested in working out and want to lead a sedentary
lifestyle
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. Leading a sedentary
lifestyle
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 negatively impacts the health of
people
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 and
causes
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 numerous diseases. To solve
this
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 problem,
people
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 should be encouraged to go to
gyms
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 regularly
,
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apply
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 and discuss the importance of
exercise
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. The primary problem caused by
sedentary
Correct article usage
a sedentary
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lifestyle
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 is it negatively impacts the health of
people
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.
People
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 who do not visit
gyms
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 and lead a sedentary life become overweight.
As a result
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, they cannot move their body properly and it hinders their daily activities.
Moreover
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, if
people
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 do not go to
gyms
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, it
causes
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 various diseases in their
bodes
Correct your spelling
bodies
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. Lack of physical
exercise
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causes
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 diabetes, hypertension, cardiovascular disease and so on.
For instance
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, in Australia,
people
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 are reluctant to go to
gyms
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 and take
part
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 in physical
exercise
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.
Therefore
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, they suffer mostly from diabetes and hypertension. To solve
this
Linking Words
 problem,
people
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 should be encouraged to go to
gyms
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.
Gyms
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 can offer various incentives,
such
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 as entertainment facilities and discounts to encourage
people
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 to join
gyms
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.
Moreover
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,
people
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 can discuss the importance of physical
exercise
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. If
people
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 discuss the usefulness of physical
exercise
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, it will inspire them to take
part
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 in physical
exercise
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.
Therefore
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,
people
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 become interested
to take
Change preposition
in taking
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part
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 in physical
exercise
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.
For example
Linking Words
, in Canada,
people
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 discuss the necessity of physical
exercise
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 which encourages others to take
part
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 in physical
exercise
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. In conclusion, leading a sedentary
lifestyle
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 negatively impacts the health of
people
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 and
causes
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 diseases.
People
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 should encourage each other to take
part
Use synonyms
 in physical activities and
gyms
Use synonyms
 can offer incentives.

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task response
Provide more comprehensive examples or data to strengthen the argument. Expand on examples of diseases caused by a sedentary lifestyle or incentives offered by gyms.
coherence and cohesion
Enhance coherence by ensuring smooth transition between points, perhaps by using more linking words or phrases that guide the reader through the essay.
coherence and cohesion
The essay offers a well-structured introduction and conclusion, clearly framing the issue and summarizing the solutions.
task response
You provided specific examples, such as those from Australia and Canada, which add relevance to your arguments.
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