IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that more money should be spent on protecting endangered species while others think it is a waste of valuable money.

#people #money #species #waste
It is widely agreed that throughout the years a wide range of creatures have become extinct.
However
, some people don't want to invest their money in protecting animals, they tend to use funds to strengthen the army or economy of the country.
Nevertheless
, I believe that losing a few million dollars is a small price to pay compared to
disappearance
Correct article usage
the disappearance
show examples
 of large groups of living beings.
Firstly
, human activities,
such
 as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 mining and
then
 using fossil fuels, urbanization,
getting
Correct word choice
and getting
show examples
 rid of toxic waste by just releasing it
in
Change preposition
into
show examples
 the environment have a significant impact on habitat loss. People’s greed has led to endangerment of species. Not only animals, but
also
quality
Add an article
the quality
show examples
 of our lives is impacted.
For instance
, bees, that make plants give us food, are going to be extinct, unless we take immediate
actions
Fix the agreement mistake
action
show examples
.
Secondly
, society has a lot of greener and safer alternatives to substitute our actions.
For example
, we can use renewable energy, like solar panels and wind turbines, to generate energy.
Moreover
, private companies ought to install special filters in their factories to reduce pollution. Citizens can
also
 join different campaigns; whose goal is to rescue endangered species all over the globe.
On the other hand
, governments have many issues to deal with nowadays and they can’t concentrate only on saving creatures.
However
, they should remember that tackling ecological
problem
Fix the agreement mistake
problems
show examples
 is one of the main goals.
To conclude
, all:
politics
Replace the word
politicians
show examples
, private companies and civil citizens should understand what
consequences
Correct article usage
the consequences
show examples
 will be if we do not start saving animals.
Therefore
, the price can be pretty big.
Submitted by leshchynser on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your main points. This can help illustrate your arguments more clearly.
task achievement
Ensure that your points are always well-supported by relevant details or examples, even if broad agreements about the impact of human activities are understood.
coherence cohesion
While your essay has a clear structure, try to more explicitly link your main points with cohesive devices or short phrases that make relationships between ideas clearer.
coherence cohesion
Focus on more developed paragraphing to help guide your reader logically through your argument.
task achievement
The essay provides a clear stance on the issue, offering personal insight into the importance of protecting endangered species.
coherence cohesion
The introduction effectively sets up the discussion points for the rest of the essay.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion reinforces the importance of collaborative efforts across different sectors of society to tackle the issue.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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