IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some children spend hours every day on their smartphones. Why is this the case? Do you think this is a positive or a negative development?

#children #hours #smartphones #case #development
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Nowadays,
smartphones
Use synonyms
 are used in every
people’s
Fix the agreement mistake
person’s
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 life especially young individuals
such
Linking Words
 as
teenager
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teenagers
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 and children. A few children waste hours in their daily activities on their
smartphones
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.
This
Linking Words
 essay will write about a negative development from my perspective.
Firstly
Linking Words
, students who spend a lot of time on their
smartphones
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 can cause an issue of their mentality
due to
Linking Words
 the fact that they experienced
a
Correct article usage
apply
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cyberbullying on
the
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apply
show examples
social media.
For example
Linking Words
, a
children
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child
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 read a lot of hate comments in their one photo
which
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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posted on Instagram.
In addition
Linking Words
, the usage of
smartphones
Use synonyms
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 are very intensive, might addict the children’s brains to use hours every day because of the feeling of curiosity when they win the game match
in
Change preposition
on
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 their phone.
For instance
Linking Words
, a young person who played Mobile Legend
,
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apply
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 tends to want to play again in the next match.
On the other hand
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,
while
Linking Words
 the usage of
spend
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spending
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 hours every day on
smartphones
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 can bring many disadvantages, it
also
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give
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gives
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 some advantages. Parents who give a smartphone to their kids to study subjects at
school
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 and search a meaningful information, can hone the child’s skills and increase their
mark
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marks
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 at
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
school
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. As an illustration, a student
middle
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in middle
show examples
school
Use synonyms
 who wants to study and memorize
about
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apply
show examples
biology whose topic is about bones inside of the human body, can use a search engine like
google
Capitalize word
Google
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 on their phone to find the
name
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names
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 of the bone types.
Thus
Linking Words
, they can have a good score when the
school
Use synonyms
 hold an exam
about
Change preposition
in
show examples
 biology.
Submitted by endrueliutamalo on

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task achievement
Provide a clearer stance on whether spending hours on smartphones is positive or negative and consistently support it throughout the essay.
coherence cohesion
Develop the introduction and conclusion more fully to provide a more rounded response.
coherence cohesion
Ensure that each paragraph has a clear main idea and that each idea is developed with relevant supporting details.
task achievement
You have identified multiple reasons why children spend hours on smartphones, which addresses the prompt effectively.
task achievement
You used some examples to support your points, adding depth to your arguments.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • smartphones
  • usage
  • technology
  • accessibility
  • convenience
  • entertainment
  • gaming
  • social media
  • communication
  • educational resources
  • addiction
  • dependence
  • negative effects
  • physical health
  • mental health
What to do next:
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