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Writing Samples
Band 5

Obesity is becoming a major problem in many countries. What are the causes of this problem, and how can it be solved?

#obesity #countries
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Obesity
Use synonyms
 is becoming a serious
problem
Use synonyms
 in many nations. It is a crucial challenge that must
have to
Verb problem
be
show examples
solve
Wrong verb form
solved
show examples
 for human beings. In my opinion, the diet of individuals on
daily
Correct article usage
a daily
show examples
 basis and the lack of
exercise
Use synonyms
 are the main causes of
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
. So, we will talk about the reason why the
obesity
Use synonyms
 rates are increasing and how can we overcome
this
Linking Words
problem
Use synonyms
 in
this
Linking Words
 essay. Recently, many
people
Use synonyms
are getting
Verb problem
have become
show examples
Use synonyms
obesity
Replace the word
obese
show examples
 and
this
Linking Words
 is a serious
problem
Use synonyms
 which can
occurs
Verb problem
cause
show examples
another diseases
Replace the adjective
another disease
other diseases
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
chronic diabetes and fatigue effect. There are
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
plenty of
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 for that. The
fist
Correct your spelling
first
show examples
problem
Use synonyms
 is that
people
Use synonyms
 don't
care
Use synonyms
 about their diets.
People
Use synonyms
lives
Change the verb form
live
show examples
 in a hectic world
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 so
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they usually have
greasy
Add an article
a greasy
show examples
 and non-nutrient
fast-food
Correct your spelling
fast food
show examples
 or frozen
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 which
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
show examples
 not good for their health.
Also
Linking Words
, someone has
sweet
Correct article usage
a sweet
show examples
 tooth, so they have been having a lot of sweets which
occur gaining
Verb problem
causes
show examples
weights
Fix the agreement mistake
weight
show examples
,
Linking Words
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
particular
Replace the word
particularly
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, in their childhood. The second
problem
Use synonyms
 is that they don't
exercise
Use synonyms
. They need to take
care
Use synonyms
 of their body health,
however
Linking Words
, most
people
Use synonyms
 don't have
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
time to go to the gym or
running
Wrong verb form
run
show examples
 outside when they
got
Wrong verb form
get
show examples
 off
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
work.
For instance
Linking Words
, many news report the
problem
Use synonyms
 of the lack of
exercise
Use synonyms
 in modern society.
People
Use synonyms
 should not only take
care
Use synonyms
 of the food they have
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 but
also
Linking Words
 do the
exercise
Use synonyms
 in daily. They need to consume
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
less junk food and frozen
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 and more healthy dishes and vegetables like salad, and homemade
meal
Fix the agreement mistake
meals
show examples
 which
concerns
Correct subject-verb agreement
concern
show examples
 their bio.
Therefore
Linking Words
, they can consume well-structured nutrients through their meal.
And
Correct word choice
People
show examples
people
Use synonyms
 need to go to the gym or
running
Wrong verb form
run
show examples
 at least 3 times
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a week.
Furthermore
Linking Words
,
Correct article usage
the goverment
show examples
goverment
Correct your spelling
government
governments
 and companies should encourage
people
Use synonyms
 to
do
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
exercise
Use synonyms
. In conclusion,
obesity
Use synonyms
 is causing a lot of
Use synonyms
problem
Change to a plural noun
problems
show examples
,
such
Linking Words
 as
a
Change the article
apply
show examples
chronic diabetes and fatigue effect. In
this
Linking Words
 hectic modern society, they need to take
care
Use synonyms
 of their mental and physical health themselves.
Submitted by oyj1798 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure each paragraph has a clear central point and connections between ideas are explicitly made. For example, linking words can tie ideas together more effectively.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to support main points and enhance persuasive arguments. Rather than referring to general trends, include specific studies or hypothetical examples.
task achievement
Clarify the introduction with a specific thesis statement that outlines the main points. This would guide the reader through your arguments more easily.
general language
Brush up on grammar, particularly subject-verb agreement and word choice, for smoother readability. This does not reduce comprehension significantly but can aid in clarity.
task achievement
The essay covers key points about the causes and offers realistic solutions to obesity.
coherence cohesion
Solid attempt to introduce and conclude the topic which frames the discussion well.

Answer the 'Problem and Solution' topic

Problem-and-solution essays fall naturally into two parts, the first describing and exploring the problem, the second setting out the solution or solutions.

You essay structure should look something like this:

  • Introduction
  • Body paragraph 1 – Problems
  • Body paragraph 2 – Solutions
  • Conclusion

Examples to start your body paragraph:

  • One of the first problems of the...
  • Another problem that needs to be considered...
  • A possible solution to this problem would be...
  • One immediate practical solution is to...

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