In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.
Undoubtedly, the ratio of older
people
retirement
in this
new generation is increasing due to
various issues. ***At the same time,*** it is a commonly held belief that the benefits
of retirement
outweigh the drawbacks. This
essay will analyse this
topic from both points of view and express my opinion.
On the one hand, many elderly individuals are ***retiring*** fast due to
***AI*** development. Moreover
, the beginning of the new technology started in the 2000s, known is
GEN-Z **methods**. Correct your spelling
as
However
, elderly people
can not deal with the
AI machines **Correct article usage
apply
due to
age**. For example
, **a study** from BBC demonstrates that 88% of elderly individuals can not deal with AI sources due to
their ***weak*** ***vision and capabilities*** of forgetting a lot of **information in** their old age, Even though AI is completely new for them. This
**is** why the retirement
age
been increasing lately.
Add the auxiliary verb
age has
On the other hand
, there are quite a few benefits
of elderly people
retiring, but the drawbacks are quite varied. Firstly
, the positive side for companies in older adults retires
to replace the seat with another one Correct subject-verb agreement
retire
such
as young people
who complete their academic schooling. This
process will bring advantages to the company. For instance
, replacing the seats after the elderly retire and bringing younger people
would bring new knowledge, such
as knowing how to deal with AI technology and the capability to be active all the time. However
, the drawback of retires
is valuable Wrong verb form
retiring
experiences
via their path career. Usually, elderly people
have many experiences
that are beneficial for the company, and the retire
is leading to losses of their opinion and experience parts.
In conclusion, Replace the word
retirement
while
there is no definitive answer to this
issue, I tend to believe that retirement
comes from the new AI compulsory and the new generation. Basically, the new generation is so developed for old people
in ways they could not handle it. In terms of the benefits
, I see that the benefits
are quite a few in contrast
to the drawbacks. the most negative side here is the experiences
and opinions which young people
cannot have the same experiences
.Submitted by ferasmirza11 on
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coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph flows smoothly from one to the next. Transition words like 'furthermore' or 'in addition' could help link ideas more clearly.
task achievement
Expand on the ideas presented in the essay to provide a more complete and comprehensive response. You could further discuss the impact of AI and technology on the workforce.
task achievement
Provide more relevant examples or research to further support your points. For instance, mention specific countries or industries where the retirement age has been raised and the impacts observed.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, helping to frame and summarize your main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your use of transition words like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' helps in contrasting the advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples such as the BBC study to support your argument about the inability of older generations to cope with AI.
Use a variety of complex and simple sentences
You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.
‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.
Examples:
I really want to study but I’m too tired.
I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.
If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.
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