IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

In many countries today the retirement age from work has been raised. Do the advantages of raising the retirement age outweigh the disadvantages? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from own knowledge or experience.

Undoubtedly, the ratio of older
people
Use synonyms
retirement
Use synonyms
 in
this
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 new generation is increasing
due to
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 various issues. ***At the same time,*** it is a commonly held belief that the
benefits
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 of
retirement
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 outweigh the drawbacks.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On the one hand, many elderly individuals are ***retiring*** fast
due to
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 ***AI*** development.
Moreover
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, the beginning of the new technology started in the 2000s, known
is
Correct your spelling
as
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 GEN-Z **methods**.
However
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, elderly
people
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 can not deal with
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
AI machines **
due to
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 age**.
For example
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, **a study** from BBC demonstrates that 88% of elderly individuals can not deal with AI sources
due to
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 their ***weak*** ***vision and capabilities*** of forgetting a lot of **information in** their old age, Even though AI is completely new for them.
This
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 **is** why the
retirement
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age
Add the auxiliary verb
age has
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 been increasing lately.
On the other hand
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, there are quite a few
benefits
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 of elderly
people
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 retiring, but the drawbacks are quite varied.
Firstly
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, the positive side for companies in older adults
retires
Correct subject-verb agreement
retire
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 to replace the seat with another one
such
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 as young
people
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 who complete their academic schooling.
This
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 process will bring advantages to the company.
For instance
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, replacing the seats after the elderly retire and bringing younger
people
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 would bring new knowledge,
such
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 as knowing how to deal with AI technology and the capability to be active all the time.
However
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, the drawback of
retires
Wrong verb form
retiring
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 is valuable
experiences
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 via their path career. Usually, elderly
people
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 have many
experiences
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 that are beneficial for the company, and the
retire
Replace the word
retirement
show examples
 is leading to losses of their opinion and experience parts. In conclusion,
while
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 there is no definitive answer to
this
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 issue, I tend to believe that
retirement
Use synonyms
 comes from the new AI compulsory and the new generation. Basically, the new generation is so developed for old
people
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 in ways they could not handle it. In terms of the
benefits
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, I see that the
benefits
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 are quite a few
in contrast
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 to the drawbacks. the most negative side here is the
experiences
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 and opinions which young
people
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 cannot have the same
experiences
Use synonyms
.

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coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical structure by ensuring that each paragraph flows smoothly from one to the next. Transition words like 'furthermore' or 'in addition' could help link ideas more clearly.
task achievement
Expand on the ideas presented in the essay to provide a more complete and comprehensive response. You could further discuss the impact of AI and technology on the workforce.
task achievement
Provide more relevant examples or research to further support your points. For instance, mention specific countries or industries where the retirement age has been raised and the impacts observed.
coherence cohesion
The essay includes a clear introduction and conclusion, helping to frame and summarize your main points effectively.
coherence cohesion
Your use of transition words like 'on the one hand' and 'on the other hand' helps in contrasting the advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
You have provided relevant examples such as the BBC study to support your argument about the inability of older generations to cope with AI.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • retirement age
  • life expectancy
  • pension systems
  • financial pressure
  • economic growth
  • workforce
  • retirement savings
  • skills and knowledge transfer
  • job opportunities
  • health challenges
  • work-life balance
  • societal resistance
  • burnout
  • productivity
  • well-being
What to do next:
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