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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

One of the consequences of improved medical care is that people are living longer and life expectanccy is encreasing. do ypu think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages ?

The advancement of medical
facility makes
Wrong verb form
facilities
show examples
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
Use synonyms
increase
Correct subject-verb agreement
increases
show examples
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
life
Use synonyms
expectancy
Use synonyms
.
Although
Linking Words
 there are benefits and drawbacks to be considered, I personally believe that the benefits of the
increase
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life
Use synonyms
expectancy
Use synonyms
 outweigh the drawbacks. On the one hand, in some countries like
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
, it is the
the
Remove the redundancy
apply
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government
Change noun form
government's
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 responsibility to take care of the
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
. The government is responsible
to provides
Change preposition
for providing
show examples
 an
adaquate
Correct your spelling
adequate
health
Use synonyms
 facility
such
Linking Words
 as
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
routine
health
Use synonyms
check
Correct your spelling
check-ups
show examples
up
Change preposition
apply
show examples
and with the increasing number of
eldery
Correct your spelling
elderly
, it will
rise
Verb problem
increase
show examples
 the amount of
health
Use synonyms
 allocation because old people require
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
routine medical
check up
Correct your spelling
check-ups
show examples
 and long recovery
time
Fix the agreement mistake
times
show examples
.
Consequently
Linking Words
,
this
Linking Words
 sector will
needs
Change the verb form
need
show examples
 more capital support and reduce the allocation of other sectors.
Nonetheless
Linking Words
, the
increase
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life
Use synonyms
expectancy
Use synonyms
 means that there will be more experts in various areas. There are many fields
such
Linking Words
 as
health
Use synonyms
 and science that need people with more
experiences
Fix the agreement mistake
experience
show examples
 and
with
Change preposition
apply
show examples
these phenomenon
Change the determiner
this phenomenon
these phenomena
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, it makes the experts can contribute
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their
field
Fix the agreement mistake
fields
show examples
 longer. As a specialist doctor,
for example
Linking Words
, to complete their degree itself takes approximately 6 years and to obtain their specialization it takes two years and if they live longer it means there will be more
times
Fix the agreement mistake
time
show examples
 to implement their specialization for good.
Due to
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 fact, the
increase
Use synonyms
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
life
Use synonyms
expectancy
Use synonyms
 is something to be blessed.
To conclude
Linking Words
,
although
Linking Words
 it requires more allocation for
health
Use synonyms
facility
Fix the agreement mistake
facilities
show examples
, it is
blessing
Correct article usage
a blessing
show examples
 to have people live longer because it means more experts can use their expertise longer.
Thus
Linking Words
, I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.

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task achievement
To improve task response, consider addressing both advantages and disadvantages more evenly, and provide more balanced discussion to fully satisfy the prompt. This balance will ensure that the response is well-rounded and provides a complete answer. Additionally, be specific in examples to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, ensure seamless transition between ideas. The essay can benefit from smoother transitions and clearer progression from points to examples. Consider the use of linking words and phrases to help improve flow.
introduction conclusion present
The introduction and conclusion are clearly present, and they serve their purposes well in setting up the essay and summarizing the main points.
logical structure
There is a logical structure with a clear thesis statement and body paragraphs dedicated to different aspects of the topic, which helps in organizing the content effectively.
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