IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7.5

Government should make more effort to promote alternative sources of energy. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion? Given reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

#government #effort #alternative #sources #energy
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
Recently, clean technology development has been growing on a large scale. I firmly agree that The
Government
Use synonyms
 should accelerate the
energy
Use synonyms
 transition from fossil fuel to renewable
energy
Use synonyms
. There are several reasons involved in addressing climate change impact and the
government
Use synonyms
 as the catalyst of the
energy
Use synonyms
 transition.
To begin
Linking Words
 with, in 2015 Many countries, particularly Indonesia, committed to gaining net zero emissions to cope with climate change problems that have a bad impact on the earth. The problems are public health, food security, and increasing water sea levels.
Consequently
Linking Words
, one of the biggest problems is public health. It is caused by air pollution from conventional
power
Use synonyms
 generation.
For instance
Linking Words
, In the Jabodetabek area, the number of people who suffer from respiratory diseases
such
Linking Words
 as pneumonia, asthma, and lung cancer is up to 100.000.
Additionally
Linking Words
, Indonesia ranked 6th as a nation which contributes to carbon emissions because mostly
power
Use synonyms
 generation uses fossil fuels
such
Linking Words
 as (coal, gas and gasoline).
Moreover
Linking Words
,
according to
Linking Words
 statistical data, Indonesia has a huge potential of around 20 Giga Watt to implement renewable
energy
Use synonyms
power
Use synonyms
 plants by using wind, solar panels, micro-hydro and geothermal.
For Instance
Linking Words
, the Ministry of Resource of Minerals namely Bahlil has the
power
Use synonyms
 to push stakeholders (
energy
Use synonyms
 companies, other ministries, citizens) using national
energy
Use synonyms
 policy.
To conclude
Linking Words
, the large potential of renewable resources should be encouraged by the
government
Use synonyms
 .
As a result
Linking Words
, using the
power
Use synonyms
 of the
government
Use synonyms
 to implement a quick
energy
Use synonyms
 policy in the nation and cope with climate change’s effects.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
The essay is well-structured, but it could benefit from clearer topic sentences at the beginning of each paragraph to guide the reader through your arguments more effectively.
task achievement
Your examples are relevant and strengthen your argument well. Continue using specific examples, but try to integrate them more smoothly with your main points.
coherence cohesion
You provide a clear introduction and conclusion, framing your argument effectively.
task achievement
Your use of examples, such as data from Indonesia, strongly supports your task response. This specificity enhances the credibility and relevance of your argument.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: