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Band 6

Some people say that parents have the most important role in a child‘s development. However, others argue that other things like television or friends have the most significant influence. Discuss both views and give your own opini

It is widely believed that
while
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 parents play a notable
role
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 in nurturing their
children
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's psychological
development
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, external exposures
such
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 as media and friendships may play a major
role
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due to
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 the significant time spent during the
children
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's growth. As both opposing views are agreed upon and disagreed upon by many, I think a
better affecting
Add a hyphen
better-affecting
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 factor is a parental figure because of their intensive influence at an early
age
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.
To begin
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 with, it is commonly believed that the reason why parents heavily influence their
children
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's
development
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 is
due to
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 the intensive parenting
role
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 in the first 5 years of
children
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's golden
age
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.
In addition
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, it is undeniable that the golden
age
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 period plays a critical
role
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 in developing a person's habits and character.
For instance
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, recent research concluded that
children
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's traits are based on first learning experiences and observations of their caregivers.
Therefore
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, it is predictably undeniable that parental figures still play a major
role
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 in their
children
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's character growth.
On the other hand
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, external exposures
such
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 as media and external relations could
also
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 affect
children
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's growth, even though it still depends on time and intensity.
For example
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, youngsters who study in a boarding school for a long time may develop different habits than those who are home-schooled.
Children
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 from
the
Correct article usage
apply
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boarding school may become more extroverted than those home-schooled
due to
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 frequent interactions with numerous students.
However
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, the character
development
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 they develop may still not be as critical as the caregivers' effect. In summary, both arguments give valid reasons for
children
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's
development
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, which will vary specifically to certain cases.
However
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, I personally believe that parental figures are the major contributors to
children
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's
development
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 because they play a critical
role
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 in the first 5 years of
children
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's golden
age
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.

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task achievement
Consider providing more specific examples or evidence to support your points in a clearer way.
coherence and cohesion
Ensure each paragraph transitions smoothly with linking phrases to enhance the flow of ideas.
coherence and cohesion
Clarify your conclusion by summarizing the key points more effectively.
task achievement
The essay presents a balanced discussion of both views, which is commendable.
coherence and cohesion
The introduction clearly outlines the main argument, setting the stage for the discussion.
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