IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 3

Some people think that children should be homeschooled when they are very young, while others think it is better for them to attend a school. Which do you think is better?

#people #children #school
There are three possible forms of
education
. They are traditional, distance and homeschooled
education
.
That is
 why, some people believe that
children
 should be homeschooled,
whereas
 others think it is better for pupils to attend school. Traditional
education
 has quite a lot of benefits.
Firstly
, eye contact plays a crucial role in
child's
Correct article usage
a child's
show examples
 progress.
Furthermore
, it
supposed
Add a missing verb
is supposed
show examples
 to be more interesting and productive learning materials with other
children
 and
teacher
Fix the agreement mistake
teachers
show examples
 in front of them.
Secondly
,
schooled
Replace the word
school
show examples
education
 develops social skills and feelings. It
also
 enriches the circle of communication, that could support and help each other in different situations.
On the other hand
, it has obvious drawbacks.
For instance
,
children
 who suffer from any physiological diseases could be subjected to bullying from other students.
Thus
,
such
 factors can significantly affect
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
their future mental health. Basically, I think it is the main disadvantage of traditional
education
. Ultimately,
chose
Wrong verb form
choosing
show examples
 of
form
Add an article
the form
a form
show examples
 of
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education
 depends on your child's health and possibilities. In fact, for
majority
Add an article
the majority
a majority
show examples
 of people, I think that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages. But it remains individual which type of
education
 to choose for your
children
.
Submitted by strogiy2008 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Develop the introduction to clearly present your position on whether homeschooling or attending school is better. The introduction sets the stage for your argument and helps the reader understand your perspective.
task achievement
Include more specific examples to support your points. These examples will make your argument stronger and more relatable. For instance, mention particular social skills children gain in a traditional school or potential challenges faced by homeschooled children.
coherence cohesion
Work on ensuring a clear and logical progression between ideas. While the essay covers both sides of the argument, there should be smooth transitions that guide the reader through your reasoning.
coherence cohesion
The conclusion should more directly reflect your position on the question. Rather than presenting the decision as entirely individual, summarize your assessed preference informed by the discussed advantages and disadvantages.
task achievement
The essay covers both sides of the argument, discussing the benefits of traditional schooling and acknowledging potential disadvantages like bullying.
coherence cohesion
The essay shows an understanding of the complexity involved in choosing an education form, considering individual needs and circumstances.
coherence cohesion
It presents relevant points such as the importance of social skills and the impact on mental health, showcasing awareness of significant issues related to education types.

Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
What to do next:
Look at other essays: