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Writing Samples
Band 4.5

The charts below show the information of tourists from different regions

The charts below show the information of tourists from different regions
This
Linking Words
 combination of a pie and a table demonstrates the percentages of foreign visitors travelling to a tourist resort in Australia and specific information regarding staying period, accommodation and main purposes
in
Change preposition
of
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 their trips.
Overall
Linking Words
,
travelers
Change the spelling
travellers
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 to Australia are generally from Asia and Europe
who
Correct word choice
and
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 like the fanciest hotels for sightseeing compared with other people
while
Linking Words
 US tourists tend to have the longest
vocation
Correct your spelling
vacation
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 there. Seen from the pie, 37% of people paying visits to Australia are Asians whose proportion is closely followed by that of European tourists (35%).
However
Linking Words
,
one fifth
Add a hyphen
one-fifth
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 of them are from
USA
Correct article usage
the USA
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while
Linking Words
 only the remaining 10%
belongs
Correct subject-verb agreement
belong
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 to other regions. Turning to the pie, US and European
travelers
Change the spelling
travellers
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 spend about half a month in
this
Linking Words
 resort
whereas
Linking Words
 those Asians stop for the shortest time with only a week. For temporary residence, Asian and European people are conventional to choose 5 and 4-star hotels in
a
Remove the article
apply
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stark contrast with the casual lodging of
camping
Correct article usage
a camping
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 caravan. At the same time, sightseeing is the most prevalent aim for
this
Linking Words
 destination;
however
Linking Words
, citizens from
US
Correct article usage
the US
show examples
 and other regions are for the sea to do sunbathing, swimming and surfing.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however, while".
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Introduction: The introduction is missing.
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Introduction: Change the first sentence in the introduction.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Introduction: The chart intro is missing.
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Vocabulary: Only 6 basic words for charts were used.
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