IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people say that computer skills should be added to primary subjects in elementary school such as reading, writing and math. How far do you agree or disagree?

#people #computer #skills #subjects #school #math
It is true that the technology plays a vital role in our society today. Meanwhile, some people assert that
computer
skills
 should be a part of primary education for
kids
 in school, considering
this
 skill to be as important as other compulsory subjects. In my opinion,
while
 learning some techniques about computing is a positive approach for
children
's development,
but
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
there are some potential problems for
kids
 to reach
computer
 at
such
young
Correct article usage
a young
show examples
 age. Learning
computer
skills
 help
children
 catch up with the modern trend and at the same time develop their understanding of technology. Nowadays,
kids
 are exposed
in
Change preposition
to
show examples
an
Change the article
a
show examples
 technology-leading era, and they have easy access to every information on the internet.
As a result
, they should be educated to utilize computers appropriately in order to be up-to-date with the
fast developing
Add a hyphen
fast-developing
show examples
 society.
Furthermore
, giving
children
 the
ideas
Fix the agreement mistake
idea
show examples
 of using computers could help them to adapt
for
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to
show examples
 future challenges in academic performance. As
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
education today is often accompanied by the need
of
Change preposition
for
show examples
computer
Fix the agreement mistake
computers
show examples
,
kids
 could learn
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
earlier and be fully prepared for the tasks of their studies.
Therefore
, they could be more confident when entering higher education, Admittedly, using
computer
Add an article
a computer
the computer
show examples
 is considered
as
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a crucial skill in today's world.
However
, for
kids
 to learn it in elementary school might be too challenging as their minds are not as mature. For
kids
 to consume computing
skills
 leads to
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
potential harm for their brain and eyes. According
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 authorities,
kids
' brains are more fragile than adults and they are more easily to be influenced by what they have seen.
Therefore
, it is encouraged for
kids
 to stay away from
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
electronical
Correct your spelling
electronic
 devices as their bodies are not ready yet. Personally, I am not in favour of adding
computer
skills
 as a main subject for
kids
.
Instead
 of focusing
their
Change preposition
on their
show examples
 development of
skills
, we should prioritize their mental and physical health. In conclusion, even
there
Correct word choice
though there
show examples
 are significant benefits for
kids
 to learn computing
skills
, I
am not agree
Change the verb form
do not agree
show examples
 with
this
installment
Change the spelling
instalment
show examples
 in elementary schools as it could cause some
irreversable
Correct your spelling
irreversible
 issues for the
overall
 growth of
children
.
Submitted by a0979181071 on

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task achievement
You have addressed the task by discussing both the benefits and challenges of including computer skills in elementary education. However, to enhance task achievement, try to include more specific examples and evidence to strengthen your arguments.
coherence cohesion
In terms of coherence and cohesion, your essay is generally well-organized with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion. Work on using more transition phrases to help guide the reader through your arguments more smoothly.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that encapsulate your main ideas effectively.
task achievement
You successfully highlight some of the benefits of teaching computer skills to children, demonstrating a good grasp of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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