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Band 3.5

Many doctors say that people in today’s world do not enough physical exercise. What are the causes of these pressures and what measures are there to this problem?

#doctors #people #today’s #world #exercise #pressures #measures
I would
strong
Change the word
strongly
show examples
 accept the fact that
people
 in today's world do not
enough
Add a missing verb
do enough
show examples
 physical
exercise
.
Lets
Correct your spelling
Let's
show examples
 deeply understand the causes of these pressures, One of the biggest
reason
Fix the agreement mistake
reasons
show examples
 why
people
 don't have
time
 to invest in themselves is because of work-life imbalance. In today's
time
Add a comma
time,
show examples
people
 are suffering because of bad work environment.
People
 have zero
time
 because of
high pressure
Add a hyphen
high-pressure
show examples
 work, spending
time
 in
office
Correct article usage
the office
show examples
 till late and
then
 travelling back
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
home makes them exhausted. There are plenty of tasks to be delivered by the end of the day that they sometimes even don't have
time
 for a proper lunch break so it's
effecting
Correct your spelling
affecting
show examples
 their body. After a tiring
day
Add a comma
day,
show examples
 I don't think
person
Add an article
a person
the person
show examples
 has
time
 in his/her day to do physical
exercise
. Even
a
Correct word choice
if a
show examples
person reaches home by 9pm in the night he/she will rather choose to spend some quality
time
 with their family/friends or loved ones
instead
 of choosing physical
exercise
. One of the best
solution
Change to a plural noun
solutions
show examples
 from my point of view is that every company should make a compulsory rule that no employees should be working after 6pm, which will eventually help their employees to be stress-free and so they can
also
 spend their
time
 with
the
Change the word
their
show examples
 family as-well they can spend some
time
 doing physical
exercise
 by hitting the gym.
Submitted by shethmihir07 on

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task achievement
Your essay has a clear introduction and explores the reasons people might not get enough exercise. However, try to provide more supporting details and examples to strengthen your arguments, such as specific scenarios or data.
coherence cohesion
The structure is logical, with a clear introduction and body, but consider providing a conclusion to summarize your points and reinforce your argument.
task achievement
Try to present a more balanced view by considering more than one solution or exploring other perspectives.
task achievement
The essay addresses the given topic and understands that work-life balance is a key issue.
coherence cohesion
You clearly articulate why people find it difficult to exercise in modern times and propose a solution.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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