IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The graph below shows the percentages of people in four age groups who had been to the cinema more than once a month, in the period between 2000 and 2011.

The graph below shows the percentages of people in four age groups who had been to the cinema more than once a month, in the period between 2000 and 2011.
✨ Do you want to improve your IELTS writing?
The line graph
give
Change the verb form
gives
show examples
 information about the data of a group of individuals
in
Change preposition
of
show examples
 different four
ages
Change the noun form
age
show examples
 groups who had been to the cinema more the once a month , in the years 2000 to 2003 . From an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective , it can be clearly seen that
the
Change preposition
at the
show examples
 beginning of the
period
Use synonyms
 a group of people who went to
cinema
Correct article usage
the cinema
show examples
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
experienced a downward trend.
While
Linking Words
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
adolescence showed an upward trend throughout the
period
Use synonyms
. Both rates had some fluctuations.
Although
Linking Words
 adults
initially
Linking Words
 had a lower rate , it outraced adolescence
at the end
Linking Words
 of the
period
Use synonyms
. Commencing with the 15-24 teenagers in the year 2003 it reached the peak of about 58% the rate increased sharply throughout the
period
Use synonyms
,
while
Linking Words
 , 35 and cover hitting a low - point with average 13% in the year 2003. In the years 2000 - 2003 adults
having
Wrong verb form
had
show examples
 the highest percentage, both exceeding 30% . 25-35 had slightly lower figures around 25% a quarter. 15-24 in
this
Linking Words
 year there was a sharp decline in 2000 it dropped arriving back at the result of the 39% .

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site's author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "while".
▼
Vocabulary: Replace the words period with synonyms.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "trend" was used 2 times.
▼
Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
▼
What to do next:
Look at other essays: