IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 7.5

Some people believe that young people should spend their free time with family rather than go to entertainment activities outside the house. Some disagree. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #time #entertainment #activities #house #disagree
There is no doubt that having leisure
time
 is important to rejuvenate an individual's state of mind. Some people believe that it is preferable to spend their spare
time
 with their family,
while
 others argue that it is more refreshing to enjoy a variety of entertainment activities rather than staying at home. I partly agree with both views because it depends on different circumstances. Examining the view that prioritizing family
time
 is important for a person who spends most of their
time
 in a work setting.
For instance
, startup employees spend roughly 10 to 14 hours in their office because their company has a fast-paced working atmosphere.
As a result
, most of them have a little amount of
time
 to spend
together with
 their family members.
Additionally
, if an individual is expecting a child or already has children, allocating spare
time
 to nurture one's children is vital to form their character.
On the other hand
, a person requires private
time
 to refresh their mind after having rough weekdays or just simply to avoid pressing family matters.
For example
, a mom might feel pressure after taking care of her child,
therefore
, opting to enjoy several self-care treatments
such
 as massage or salon can recharge her mind.
Moreover
, a person might have different personal choices with their family.
For example
, a father might prefer to go fishing and other family members prefer to go shopping, henceforth, it is more enjoyable for the father to go fishing on his own. At its core, the debate between both sides really depends on personal preferences and a different kind of situations.
Therefore
, I have a balanced view of
this
 notion.
Submitted by manapapuja2 on

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task achievement
To enhance task achievement, ensure that the conclusion more clearly summarises the writer's stance on the issue presented. Currently, the conclusion lightly touches on the main points, but a stronger rephrasing of the opinion could provide a more impactful closing statement.
coherence cohesion
While the essay demonstrates good logical progression, further clarity could be achieved by introducing more linking words or phrases to connect ideas between paragraphs. This can improve the flow of the essay and make it easier for the reader to follow the argument.
task achievement
The essay effectively explores both sides of the argument, providing a balanced perspective that showcases the writer's understanding of the topic.
task achievement
Strong and relevant specific examples are given to illustrate points, such as the example of startup employees and a mother seeking self-care treatments.
coherence cohesion
The logical structure of the essay is well-organized, with clear distinction between the different viewpoints discussed.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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