IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. What are the advantages and disanvantages of giving children this message?

#cultures #children #disanvantages #message
I would strongly agree that in some cultures, children are often told that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough. As we all know
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
nothing is impossible. Let's deeply understand
it
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
how. I would like to talk about myself
that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
I belong
from
Change preposition
to
show examples
 Hindu Culture and in our culture we are taught
this
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 a very early age. Our
parents
has
Change the verb form
have
show examples
 taught us that nothing is impossible to achieve. We just need to try our best and give the best possible inputs from our end and
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 impossible that you won't achieve it.
For example
,
currently
Add a comma
currently,
show examples
 I am preparing for my IELTS exam which is going to take place on 2nd November and I was a bit worried and in
stress
Add a comma
stress,
show examples
 so I went up and shared about how am I feeling to my
parents
, they encouraged me to think in a positive way because they have heard somewhere that whatever message you give to
universe
Add an article
the universe
show examples
,
universe
Add an article
the universe
show examples
 does the same to us. So they gave some motivational speeches and encouraged me to not think
negative
Change the word
negatively
show examples
 and just do
your
Correct pronoun usage
my
show examples
 best and
rest
Verb problem
apply
show examples
leave it to
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
god. I strongly believe that if a child puts his 100% in one thing that they want to achieve it is possible for them to
acheive
Correct your spelling
achieve
 it no one can stop them from getting close to their goals. Every
cultures
Change to a singular noun
culture
show examples
 might have different examples to give to their child that might be the success stories of someone else in their family or might be the success stories of themselves. All
this
 is very
neccessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 for the
parents
 to motivate their children because not every child is very confident about taking the first big steps in their life so
its
Correct your spelling
it's
show examples
 very important for the
parents
 to give support, maybe it's just by telling them about their real-life experiences.
To sum up
, It is very
neccessary
Correct your spelling
necessary
 to give the message to their children that they can achieve anything if they try hard enough and no one can stop them from
achieveing
Correct your spelling
achieving
 the goal they dream about.
Submitted by shethmihir07 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Consider adding a bit more balance to the essay by discussing potential disadvantages of giving children the message that they can achieve anything. This will strengthen your task achievement by addressing both sides of the prompt.
coherence cohesion
Improve logical structure by ensuring that ideas flow smoothly from one to the next. Try using more transitional phrases to guide the reader through your points.
coherence cohesion
Avoid repetition and generic statements. Including more specific examples or anecdotes can enhance your essay and make it more compelling.
introduction conclusion
The essay effectively starts with a clear introduction and concludes with a strong summary, maintaining coherence throughout.
task achievement
Examples from personal experience add relatability and specificity to the essay, which aids in illustrating the main points.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: