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Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Fewer young people play sports these days. Why is this? What can be done to encourage more young people to do sports?

#people #sports
There is no doubt that participating in various sports can maintain
an
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
individual fitness.
However
, nowadays, there is a noticeable decrease
of
Change preposition
in
show examples
 people
exercises
Wrong verb form
exercising
show examples
 their
body
Fix the agreement mistake
bodies
show examples
. In
this
 essay, I will delve into the cause of
this
 trend and
then
 discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
show examples
potential solutions.
This
 phenomenon happens because people are living in a
fast-pace
Correct your spelling
fast-paced
show examples
 work setting.
For instance
, a startup employee can spend time in their office around ten to fourteen hours.
Moreover
, current jobs are not physically demanding. A good case in point is software engineers
that
Correct pronoun usage
who
show examples
 only require computers to work on their
project
Fix the agreement mistake
projects
show examples
.
At the end
 of the day, these
employees
 are not having enough time to do exercise especially when the distance to the gym is quite far. Examining the idea
about
Change preposition
of
show examples
 encouraging people through public facilities,
this
 idea
rely
Change the verb form
relies
show examples
 on offering efficiency to the
employees
. The government or private companies can construct in-office fitness venues,
consequently
,
employees
 can shorten their time
to
Change preposition
at
show examples
 the gym by utilizing these facilities.
Moreover
, institutions can
be benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
 from
this
 initiative because it increases productivity by lowering the number of sick leave conducted by
employees
.
Additionally
, these facilities can be integrated with health-related advertisements.
This
 type of public campaign can be utilized to convey messages related to both financial and health risks associated
to
Change preposition
with
show examples
 unhealthy lifestyles.
For example
, crafting a campaign that emphasizes
on
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apply
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the high cost of health treatments. At its core, the government or private entities are the
one
Correct pronoun usage
ones
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that
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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 most responsible
in
Change preposition
for
show examples
 executing these initiatives and
also
benefited
Wrong verb form
benefit
show examples
 the most from them.
Submitted by manapapuja2 on

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coherence cohesion
Work on providing a clearer and more logical structure, making sure each paragraph transitions smoothly and logically into the next. Consider using clear topic sentences for each paragraph to guide the reader.
task achievement
Make sure every point you present is clearly explained, and support these claims with specific examples or evidence where possible. This can help to strengthen your argument and make your essay more convincing.
coherence cohesion
You have provided a clear introduction and conclusion that help frame your essay well.
task achievement
You have attempted to answer both parts of the question—explaining the reason for fewer young people participating in sports and suggesting ways to encourage participation.
task achievement
You have included specific examples, such as the startup employees and software engineers, to illustrate your points.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • sedentary
  • engagement
  • incentives
  • obesity
  • recreation
  • well-being
  • peer pressure
  • physical fitness
  • endurance
  • balance
  • teamwork
  • coordination
  • confidence
  • self-esteem
  • discipline
  • facilities
  • accessible
  • affordable
  • curriculum
  • extracurricular
  • inclusion
What to do next:
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