IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 6.5

More and more parents allow their children to play on computers as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development overweigh the disadvantages?

#parents #children #computers #technology #skills #development #overweigh
Many parents allow their children to
use
 a
computer
 because they think it is important to learn technology. I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because they can
use
 a
computer
 to learn many things on the internet and
this
 essay will elaborate
it
Change preposition
on it
show examples
. On the one hand, a
computer
 can be utilized for education
such
 as self-learning and people can
use
 it to enhance their skills and knowledge.
This
 is
due to
 the fact that many websites or applications provide videos or online labs that teach many things. Coursera, an online learning platform,
for example
, not only provides thousands of videos and online courses from various universities, but
also
 it can be accessed easily so it gives people chances to study different topics as they want.
As a result
, it can be a better additional education method.
On the other hand
, the drawback is many PC games and websites show violence and adult content.
Moreover
, it can be harmful if parents leave them unsupervised because children are prone to follow what they see. There was a tragedy in Indonesia,
for instance
, where a teenager killed his underage
neighbor
Change the spelling
neighbour
show examples
 because they felt annoyed by them, and he testified that he was inspired by a
computer
 game that he played.
Thus
, it is paramount to supervise them
while
 they are on the
computer
.
To conclude
, a
computer
 can be utilized to access many learning platforms and they can make education more accessible.
However
, there is a drawback
such
 as
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
show examples
 inappropriate
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 can be accessed through a
computer
,
hence
, it can be solved by supervising children
while
 they
use
 it.
Therefore
, I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
In the introduction, try to set the context more fully before stating your thesis. This helps in presenting a clearer direction for the essay.
coherence cohesion
Use more transitional phrases and linkers to make the flow of ideas smoother and show the logical relationship between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay effectively covers both the benefits and drawbacks of children using computers, fulfilling the task requirements.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant and well-incorporated, which strengthens the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps anchor the discussion.
What to do next:
Look at other essays: