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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

More and more parents allow their children to play on computers as they think that children should learn technology skills. Do the advantages of this development overweigh the disadvantages?

#parents #children #computers #technology #skills #development #overweigh
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Many parents allow their children to
use
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 a
computer
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 because they think it is important to learn technology. I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages because they can
use
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 a
computer
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 to learn many things on the internet and
this
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 essay will elaborate
it
Change preposition
on it
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. On the one hand, a
computer
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 can be utilized for education
such
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 as self-learning and people can
use
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 it to enhance their skills and knowledge.
This
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 is
due to
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 the fact that many websites or applications provide videos or online labs that teach many things. Coursera, an online learning platform,
for example
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, not only provides thousands of videos and online courses from various universities, but
also
Linking Words
 it can be accessed easily so it gives people chances to study different topics as they want.
As a result
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, it can be a better additional education method.
On the other hand
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, the drawback is many PC games and websites show violence and adult content.
Moreover
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, it can be harmful if parents leave them unsupervised because children are prone to follow what they see. There was a tragedy in Indonesia,
for instance
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, where a teenager killed his underage
neighbor
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neighbour
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 because they felt annoyed by them, and he testified that he was inspired by a
computer
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 game that he played.
Thus
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, it is paramount to supervise them
while
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 they are on the
computer
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.
To conclude
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, a
computer
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 can be utilized to access many learning platforms and they can make education more accessible.
However
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, there is a drawback
such
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 as
many
Correct quantifier usage
much
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 inappropriate
contents
Fix the agreement mistake
content
show examples
 can be accessed through a
computer
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,
hence
Linking Words
, it can be solved by supervising children
while
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 they
use
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 it.
Therefore
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, I believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by ru.kabiru.biru on

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task achievement
In the introduction, try to set the context more fully before stating your thesis. This helps in presenting a clearer direction for the essay.
coherence cohesion
Use more transitional phrases and linkers to make the flow of ideas smoother and show the logical relationship between sentences and paragraphs.
task achievement
The essay effectively covers both the benefits and drawbacks of children using computers, fulfilling the task requirements.
task achievement
The examples provided are relevant and well-incorporated, which strengthens the argument.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which helps anchor the discussion.
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