Some parents think children should do exrracurricular activitues. Others think thus will add pressure. Discuss both views and give opinion

Some people think that
after class
Add a hyphen
after-class
show examples
activities
should be done by
children
,
others
Correct word choice
while others
show examples
believe that
this
method will
stress
children
. In my opinion, I believe that giving
children
extra curricular
Add a hyphen
extra-curricular
show examples
will help in developing
children
’s character. On the one hand, some parents think that
children
should do extracurricular
activities
after school, and I agree.
In other words
, by giving
children
extra
activities
,
children
will acquire much knowledge as long as it is not academic.
For example
, studies in the US proved that students who attend extra
classes
learn much more than students who are studying academically because academic
classes
give them
stress
so they can not perform well.
Hence
, these extra
activities
are crucial in order to develop
children
’s
skills
more efficiently.
Furthermore
, attending extra
classes
will improve their character and their
skills
,
such
as
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
social
skills
, numeracy, and literacy.
This
is because they are going to study new things that will not be studied in schools which are going to be incredibly useful during their journey of life.
On the other hand
, some people say that it will
stress
children
, in a way that they will not be able to study anything else at all. One reason is that
children
are already overloaded with their homework and tasks that ought to be done, so
children
will feel lost in thinking
what
Change preposition
about what
show examples
to do in their time
instead
of studying.
For instance
, many schools in Japan refuse to give
children
extra
classes
because
children
have the right to enjoy their childhood but surprisingly they found out that
children
who do not have extra-curricular
activities
perform better in their academic studies.
Therefore
,
children
should not be given extra
activities
owing to the fact that they take their freedom and
stress
them at the same time.
To sum up
,
although
people may vary in their opinion, I think that extra-curricular
activities
help
children
gain knowledge and improve their
skills
.
Submitted by s_syedy on

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task achievement
Ensure your introduction clearly presents both sides of the argument, as well as your position, to leave no ambiguity for the reader.
coherence cohesion
Make sure each paragraph develops one clear main idea with adequate support, connecting all arguments smoothly to one another.
task achievement
Consider including a brief acknowledgement of any potential counterarguments to strengthen your discussion essays.
coherence cohesion
You have successfully included a conclusion that summarizes your position and the arguments discussed.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear and logical structure, with distinct paragraphs for each main point.
task achievement
You've provided relevant examples to support your points, making your argument more persuasive.
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