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Band 5

Some think most crime is the result of circumstances, e.g., poverty and other social problems. Others believe that most crime is caused by people who are bad by nature. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#think #crime #circumstances #e #g #poverty #people #nature
A few
people
 believe that atmospheres cause greatly the commitments of crime
such
 as poverty and social issues,
while
 other
people
 are of the opinion that most crime is committed by evil
people
. In my view,
people
 generally do not tend to break the rules, unless officials provide
such
 a poor social life like Syria and Lebanon. On the one hand, the amount of poverty and unemployment have been skyrocketing significantly, particularly in Asian lands, e.g.,
Afganistan
Correct your spelling
Afghanistan
, because the governments corrupt and dictate too much,
therefore
 humans are exposed to starve or revolt against the authorities at times.
Furthermore
, human kinds are more prone to be burglars and arrange tiny groups (supplied with guns) so that they can sustain their lives by stealing other's wealth.
On the other hand
, today, upbringing methods have been extremely switched
for
Change preposition
apply
show examples
over decades, parents do not care about offspring,
occasionally
Correct word choice
and occasionally
show examples
, leave them at the garbages.
Thus
, children are brought up in the streets and undoubtedly, street guys are into breaking the laws, the main reason why they offend is their characteristics, they have grown up on their own,
no
Correct word choice
and no
show examples
 one
taught
Add a missing verb
is taught
show examples
 how to behave generally. Personally, in
Europe
Add a comma
Europe,
show examples
 the ratio of illegal actions is under 15 per cent
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 because authorities supply
human-beings
Correct your spelling
human beings
show examples
 by fine vocation with a high wage, allowance for children and good life quality.
This
 is why, Western countries'
people
 are so calming, peaceful and glad compared to
Middle
Correct article usage
the Middle
show examples
 Eastern population. In conclusion, Some argue that environments are the main reason for breaking the rules like circulation problems and destitution,
however
Add the comma(s)
however,
show examples
 wicked humans generally are likely to commit
offenses
Change the spelling
offences
show examples
, believed by other
people
. In my opinion,
human
Fix the agreement mistake
humans
show examples
 do not attempt to go against the law, if officials give
people
comfortable
Correct article usage
a comfortable
show examples
 life with good qualifications.
Submitted by novruzluahmed2007 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a clear logical flow by structuring paragraphs with distinct main ideas and supporting details. Some sections of the essay could be more coherent in linking sentences logically.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to support your points, ensuring they are directly relevant to the argument. This helps strengthen the response by illustrating the argument.
task achievement
The essay effectively discusses both views on the topic and provides a clear personal opinion, which aligns well with the task requirements.
coherence cohesion
The essay contains a clear introduction and conclusion, which effectively frames the discussion and provides closure to the arguments.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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