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Band 5

Some people think that parents should teach children how to be good members of society. Others, however, believe that school is the place to leam this. Discuss both these views and give your own opinion.

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Some say that children should learn about
manners
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 from their family,
however
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, some people argue that they can learn it in
school
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.
This
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 essay will discuss these perspectives.
To begin
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 with, young age can learn about
manners
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 earlier through their
parents
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 because family is the smallest organization that they have from the beginning of our lives. It is because
parents
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 can be role models by giving examples of basic
manners
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such
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 as respecting elders because kids are prone to imitate what they see. As a
reasult
Correct your spelling
result
, they can be more used with good
manners
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 and make it a habit owing to taught earlier. When eating,
for example
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, a child
that is
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 growing up seeing their
parents
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 eat in
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
good
manners
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 will not
playing
Wrong verb form
play
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 with the food and not
talking
Wrong verb form
talk
show examples
while
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 eating because they see their
parents
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 are
behave
Wrong verb form
behaving
show examples
.
Therefore
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, it will increase their awareness about their acts and make them behave.
Moreover
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, a
school
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 give them opportunities to learn about
manners
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 in society. Because it is an institution, they will meet many friends that reflect the society and
as a result
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, they will learn about good
manners
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 in a community.
For instance
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, they will meet senior students and teachers in
school
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 where they can learn about respecting older people namely lowering their voice
while
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 talking to them and talking to them with appropriate words. It can be learned only by including in communities,
hence
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,
school
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 is a perfect place to obtain it.
To conclude
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, family and
school
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 are essential to
teach
Change the verb form
teaching
show examples
 about good
manners
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 because
parents
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 can be role
model
Fix the agreement mistake
models
show examples
 for them to behave and
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school
Add an article
the school
show examples
 provides opportunities to learn good
manners
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 in a community. As for that, I personally think both have their parts respectively and it is paramount to teach them in those places.

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coherence cohesion
To improve coherence, ensure that each paragraph has a clear topic sentence that connects it to the overall theme.
task achievement
Strengthen task achievement by providing more specific examples and elaborating on them to fully support your arguments.
task achievement
Elaborate on the conclusion by summarizing the main points discussed in the essay to make it more comprehensive.
task achievement
The essay discusses both perspectives clearly, showing an understanding of the task.
coherence cohesion
The structure is logical, beginning with an introduction, followed by body paragraphs discussing each view, and a conclusion.
task achievement
There is an attempt to provide examples, such as the behavior of parents during meals and interactions in school, enhancing understanding.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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