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Writing Samples
Band 5

Poor nutrition and obesity is a problem in many developed countries and some people believe that a tax on fast food would reduce the problem. Do you agree?

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Introduction
Over the past few decades, the change in our alimentary habits has caused poor nutrition and obesity to become more frequent, especially in many developed countries.
That is
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 why many people suggest that a
tax
Use synonyms
 on fast
food
Use synonyms
 would help us gain control over
this
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 worrying phenomenon.
While
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 a little bit
skeptical
Change the spelling
sceptical
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 about the long-term efficiency of the discussed measure, I agree that some adjustments to the
tax
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 system could benefit
the
Correct article usage
apply
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society and diminish the impact of
this
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 transformation.
Body paragraph 1
On the one hand, the proposed solution does not target the roots of the problem, focusing just on
restraints
Correct article usage
the restraints
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 to it
instead
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.
This
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 implies that
,
Punctuation problem
apply
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 it is hard to predict the evolution of the situation for long periods of time. Introducing a
tax
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 on
this
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 product does not mean that people’s desire to consume it will disappear.
On the contrary
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, it might encourage the corporations running the industry to adopt strategies aimed at improving their efficiency and reducing the production costs, so that fast
food
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 could become more affordable again. Even though it is uncertain whether they could succeed in adapting or not
given
Punctuation problem
, given
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 the fact that there have never been attempts at introducing
such
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 measures, it is certain that the number of potential customers will not experience drastic decreases.
This
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 raises the question of whether
such
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 a measure could produce significant results over long periods of time.
Body paragraph 2
On the other hand
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, the present state of the global economy and politics
are favorable
Correct subject-verb agreement
is favourable
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 for
this
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 restriction. The inflation has accelerated, and the armed conflict in the Middle East has caused the price of fossil fuels and
transports
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transport
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 to skyrocket. These changes caused the cost of living to increase.
Therefore
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, the introduction of a
tax
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 on fast
food
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 will convince many people to search for alternatives to it,
for
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example
Punctuation problem
example,
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 cooking
by
Change preposition
for
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 themselves, in spite of their temptations, in order to save money. In my opinion, the fact that people are paying more attention to the way they spend their money can be used to change their habits, and
this
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how
Verb problem
is how
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 the problem could be solved.
Conclusion
On balance,
while
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 it is hard to estimate the potential impact of
such
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 a restriction over long periods of time, I believe that applying fees to fast
food
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 would indeed diminish obesity and poor nutrition.

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task response
Make your own view more direct in the first paragraph. Say clearly that you agree only if the tax is part of a wider plan, such as food lessons at school and lower prices for healthy food.
task response
Give more real and clear support for each main idea. For example, explain how a higher price could make a family buy fewer burgers each week, or how tax money could help schools give children healthy meals.
task response
The part about war, fuel, and rising prices is too far from the main question. Keep the focus on fast food, health, and why people choose this kind of food.
task response
Your first body part says a tax may not change people’s wish to eat fast food, but the last paragraph says it will reduce obesity and poor nutrition. Explain this link more fully so your final view feels fully supported.
coherence and cohesion
Use simpler links between ideas. For example, replace “This implies that, it is hard to predict” with “Because of this, it is hard to know what will happen later.”
coherence and cohesion
Some long sentences hold too many ideas. Split them into two or three shorter sentences, especially the sentence about fast-food companies cutting costs.
coherence and cohesion
Make the first sentence of each body part show the main point more clearly. For example: “A fast-food tax may have only a short-term effect.” Then explain why.
coherence and cohesion
Avoid unclear words such as “this transformation”, “this restriction”, and “the discussed measure” when a simple word like “the tax” is clearer.
coherence and cohesion
Check small grammar points that can slow the reader down: write “society” instead of “the society”, “fossil fuels and transport” instead of “fossil fuels and transports”, and “this is how” instead of “this how”.
task response
You give a clear view: you agree, but you also show why a tax may not work well in the long run. This makes your answer balanced and clear.
task response
Your main ideas stay on the topic. You explain that higher prices may lead some people to cook at home and spend less on fast food.
coherence and cohesion
The essay has a clear start, two main body parts, and a short ending. The phrases “On the one hand”, “On the other hand”, and “On balance” help the reader follow your argument.
coherence and cohesion
Each body part has one main point, so the order of ideas is easy to understand.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples

Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.

Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.

When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.

Linking words for giving examples:

  • for example
  • for instance
  • to illustrate this
  • to give a clear example
  • such as
  • namely
  • to illustrate
  • take, for example

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