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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe the purpose of education should be helping the individual to become useful for society, while others believe it should help individuals to achieve their ambitions. Discuss both sides and give your opinion?

#people #purpose #education #society #individuals #ambitions
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Many
people
 reckon that the aim of schooling should be making
people
 helpful
for
Change preposition
to
show examples
 their community;
however
, others are more drawn to the idea
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
that it should assist them
to attain
Change preposition
in attaining
show examples
 their goals.
While
 both the decisions have equally valid merits, I personally believe it proves
more
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
preferable to educate for
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
society
Change noun form
society's
show examples
 development rather than personal ambitions. Admittedly, there are a number of reasons why education should be given to
people
 so that they can realize their dreams. First and foremost, as human beings are educated, they can obtain personal growth. It can,
as a result
, allow them to identify their own potential and carry out it. On top of that, individuals can lead a happy life with high qualifications. They can succeed not merely in their academic career:
they
Correct word choice
but they
show examples
also
 enjoy their lives by accomplishing their objectives.
People
 should,
hence
, be schooled to achieve their aims. As much as I acknowledge the points above, I tend to believe the government should pay more attention to
teach
Wrong verb form
teaching
show examples
 its citizens to turn them into useful members of the public. One of these is that the more knowledgeable residents there are in the society, the more new ideas arise and the more
nation
Correct article usage
the nation
show examples
 can, in effect,
thrives
Correct subject-verb agreement
thrive
show examples
.
Furthermore
, schooling
help
Correct subject-verb agreement
helps
show examples
 grow
people
 as responsible citizens, which can lead to keeping the community disciplined and balanced. In conclusion, some
people
 are in favour of providing humans with education to fulfil their ambitions, I am of the opinion that it is better to educate for social services
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 since they can contribute to
foster
Wrong verb form
fostering
show examples
 the advancement of their country.
Submitted by Writing9 on

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task achievement
Provide more specific examples to illustrate your points. This could strengthen your argument and make it more relatable.
coherence cohesion
Try to ensure a varied use of cohesive devices to improve flow. While your essay is generally clear, using different connecting words can enhance the readablility.
introduction conclusion present
Clear introduction and conclusion, giving the essay a well-rounded structure.
task achievement
Clearly presents both sides of the argument, showing a good understanding of the topic.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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