IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people believe that violence on television and in computer games has a damaging effect on the society. Others deny that these factors have any significant influence on people's behavior. What is your opinion?

#people #violence #television #computer #games #effect #society #factors #influence #behavior
It is undeniable that TV and
games
 on computers have some effects. Some
people
 think that violent video
games
 and television have a negative impact on
society
. Others contest that these elements significantly affect
people
's actions. I am of the opinion that unsuitable
games
 for their age and overplaying could have detrimental results for
society
.
Firstly
, inappropriate
games
 can cause many
problems
 in
people
, especially
children
. in the long run, those
games
 that show killing or hitting someone create the thought that harming is normal and
such
children
 will be encouraged to damage others.
for instance
,
children
 have hallucinated and hurt themselves
due to
 playing inapt
games
 because of
showing
Verb problem
apply
show examples
suicide and a sense of violence in the game. so they should be protected by their parents to avoid irreparable
problems
.
also
, if the
problems
 are solved from the family's side, they will not reach
society
.
Secondly
, if someone plays computer
games
 or watches television addictively, they will fall behind in their life routine.
moreover
, sitting too much causes mental and physical
problems
 in young
people
 who are prone to obesity. As a mental problem, it can be mentioned that
children
 cannot concentrate on their studies
due to
 playing too much and will be pressured by the school and family.
to sum up
, excessive consumption ao anything especially playing
games
 and watching too much TV, can have harmful effects on
society
, but issues can be prevented with proper controls.
Submitted by ngn.ss7990 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Improve the logical flow between paragraphs and ideas by using more linking words or phrases. This will enhance coherence and provide a smoother reading experience.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen your introduction by clearly stating your opinion and outlining the main points you'll discuss. This helps set a clear roadmap for the reader.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples or evidence to support your points. This will make your arguments more convincing and robust.
task achievement
Your essay addresses the task effectively by discussing both sides of the argument and presenting your own opinion.
coherence cohesion
The structure of your essay, including the clear introduction and conclusion, helps in guiding the reader.
task achievement
Your main points are clearly articulated and relevant to the task at hand, contributing to a well-rounded response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • proliferation
  • desensitize
  • empathetic response
  • aggressive behavior
  • formative years
  • impressionable
  • catharsis
  • media psychology
  • mixed results
  • family environment
  • genetics
  • regulatory bodies
  • rating systems
  • vulnerable demographics
  • inappropriate content
What to do next:
Look at other essays: