As compared to the past, children these days spend more of their leisure time indoors with computers and TV and less time outdoors. Describe some of the problems this lack of outdoor leisure time can cause and suggest at least one possible solution.

These days,
children
spend more of their leisure
time
with electronic devices and less
time
playing outdoors. The
problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
show examples
of
Change preposition
with
show examples
lack
Correct article usage
the lack
show examples
of outdoor
activities
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
that it hinders their physical
health
and reduces their
concentration
on studies. The
solutions
Fix the agreement mistake
solution
show examples
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
these
problems
are
Correct subject-verb agreement
is
show examples
that
children
should be encouraged to increase their outdoor
activities
and learn about the detrimental
effects
of
lack
Correct article usage
a lack
show examples
of outdoor
activities
. One of the biggest
problems
of
lack
of outdoor
activities
is it hinders the physical
health
of
children
. If
children
spend most of their
time
staying
indoors
, they will not
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
in physical
activities
. They will not move their bodies and lead a sedentary
lifestyle
.
Consequently
, staying
indoors
for a long
time
makes them obese and they suffer from numerous diseases.
Moreover
, if
children
stay
indoors
for a long
time
, it affects their
concentration
on studies. They become bored staying a long
time
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
indoors
, and it hinders their
concentration
.
For example
, in India, there are
a
Correct the article-noun agreement
apply
show examples
huge differences in academic results
of
Change preposition
between
show examples
children
who take
part
in physical
activities
and
who
Correct determiner usage
those who
show examples
do not.
Children
who take
part
in physical
activities
perform better than those who do not. To solve these
problems
,
children
should be encouraged to take
part
in physical
activities
. Rewards can be declared to encourage
children
to take
part
in outdoor
activities
.
Furthermore
,
children
should know about the harmful
effects
of sedentary
lifestyle
. If they know about it, they will be conscious of their
health
and become interested in outdoor
activities
.
As a result
, they will reduce the
time
of indoor
activities
.
For example
, in Australia,
children
learn about the harmful
effects
of
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
in school curriculums. It helps to raise awareness about the detrimental
effects
of
lack
of outdoor
activities
and
inpires
Correct your spelling
inspires
inspire
children
to take
part
in physical
activities
. In conclusion,
children
should learn about the harmful
effects
of
sedentary
Add an article
a sedentary
show examples
lifestyle
and they should
be encourage
Change the verb form
be encouraged
show examples
to take
part
in physical
activities
. Staying
indoors
for a long
time
hinders their
health
and
concentration
on their studies.
Submitted by rahman_rehana on

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coherence cohesion
The essay could benefit from a clearer development of ideas. While the main issues and solutions are presented, expanding on each point with more detailed explanations and transitioning smoothly from one point to the next might enhance clarity and cohesion.
task achievement
Although the essay presents a structured response, consider revisiting points to offer more specific examples where necessary, to strengthen arguments with relatable or researched evidence, thus improving engagement and understanding.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a structured response with an introduction, body, and conclusion, demonstrating a good understanding of essay structure requirements.
task achievement
The essay successfully identifies and explains the problems and solutions related to children's lack of outdoor activities, which aligns well with the task requirements.

Use cohesive linking words accurately and appropriately

Linking words are very important in your essay.

To score effectively on your IELTS exam, you should make an effort to implement short concise sentences coupled with linking words.

Almost every sentence in your essay should have a linking word of some sort.

In fact, the only sentences that can omit linking words are your background sentence and thesis.

Linking word examples:

  • firstly
  • secondly
  • thirdly
  • in additional
  • moreover
  • also
  • for example
  • for instance
  • therefore
  • however
  • although
  • even though
  • despite

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