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Band 5

Some people believe that advancements in technology are making people less social. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #advancements #technology
Some
people
 think that technological developments impact social activities among
people
 negatively. I disagree with
this
 idea. I believe
people
 are becoming more social
according to
 technological advancements. Using technological
devices
 is very common worldwide. Some technological
devices
 like mobile phones,
laptop
Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
show examples
 etc. promote communication between
people
.
People
 can make face-time,
call
Correct word choice
and call
show examples
 each other thanks to these technological materials,
while
 it
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
seems to
people
 impossible before the invention of these
devices
. In my opinion communication via technology is the easiest way of being social.
For example
, someone can call a long-distance friend,
send
Correct word choice
or send
show examples
 her a photo when sitting at a
cauch
Correct your spelling
couch
church
catch
. Some apps
also
 help
people
about being
Wrong verb form
be
show examples
 social,
thus
 some apps
call
Wrong verb form
are called
show examples
 “ social media”. Almost everyone
use
Change the verb form
uses
show examples
 these apps even children.
People
 share photos, some viral videos etc.
People
 are able to
shere
Correct your spelling
share
 their thoughts on these platforms. It provides
people
 becoming more social than before. Being social without using any kind of technological
devices
 would be hard.
People
 would have to visit their friends at home or meet at a restaurant. It would
also
leads
Change the verb form
lead
show examples
spending
Change preposition
to spending
show examples
 more money
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 being social. I know a story that my grandmothers always tell. As she told
she
Correct pronoun usage
me she
show examples
 and my grandfather were able to see each other just once
in
Change preposition
apply
show examples
a month. Because there were no social media
,
Remove the comma
apply
show examples
 and mobile
phone
Fix the agreement mistake
phones
show examples
. I think
people
 were feeling lonely without these social opportunities. In
conclusion
Add a comma
conclusion,
show examples
 technological developments impact
people
’s social activities in a positive way,
people
 feel more social themselves thanks to technological
devices
.
Submitted by aslikaratepe00 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to maintain a logical flow and structure throughout the essay. The ideas need to be linked with more cohesive transitions and connections, such as logical connectors and linking words. This will enhance the clarity and smooth transitioning between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Try to develop more comprehensive and clearer ideas. Some parts of your essay have commendable ideas, but they sometimes seem a bit unclear or underdeveloped. More detailed explanations and examples would help.
Task Achievement
Including more relevant and specific examples can reinforce your arguments. While the personal anecdote provided some insight, expanding this with more diverse examples could strengthen your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've presented a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the essay nicely.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively argues against the notion that technology makes people less social, presenting a clear stance.
Task Achievement
Your personal story provided a unique aspect to the essay, making it relatable and engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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