IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

Some people believe that advancements in technology are making people less social. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#people #advancements #technology
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Some
people
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 think that technological developments impact social activities among
people
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 negatively. I disagree with
this
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 idea. I believe
people
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 are becoming more social
according to
Linking Words
 technological advancements. Using technological
devices
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 is very common worldwide. Some technological
devices
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 like mobile phones,
laptop
Fix the agreement mistake
laptops
show examples
 etc. promote communication between
people
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.
People
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 can make face-time,
call
Correct word choice
and call
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 each other thanks to these technological materials,
while
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 it
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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seems to
people
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 impossible before the invention of these
devices
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. In my opinion communication via technology is the easiest way of being social.
For example
Linking Words
, someone can call a long-distance friend,
send
Correct word choice
or send
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 her a photo when sitting at a
cauch
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couch
church
catch
. Some apps
also
Linking Words
 help
people
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about being
Wrong verb form
be
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 social,
thus
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 some apps
call
Wrong verb form
are called
show examples
 “ social media”. Almost everyone
use
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uses
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 these apps even children.
People
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 share photos, some viral videos etc.
People
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 are able to
shere
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share
 their thoughts on these platforms. It provides
people
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 becoming more social than before. Being social without using any kind of technological
devices
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 would be hard.
People
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 would have to visit their friends at home or meet at a restaurant. It would
also
Linking Words
leads
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lead
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spending
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to spending
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 more money
for
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on
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 being social. I know a story that my grandmothers always tell. As she told
she
Correct pronoun usage
me she
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 and my grandfather were able to see each other just once
in
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apply
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a month. Because there were no social media
,
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apply
show examples
 and mobile
phone
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phones
show examples
. I think
people
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 were feeling lonely without these social opportunities. In
conclusion
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conclusion,
show examples
 technological developments impact
people
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’s social activities in a positive way,
people
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 feel more social themselves thanks to technological
devices
Use synonyms
.
Submitted by aslikaratepe00 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Make sure to maintain a logical flow and structure throughout the essay. The ideas need to be linked with more cohesive transitions and connections, such as logical connectors and linking words. This will enhance the clarity and smooth transitioning between sentences and paragraphs.
Task Achievement
Try to develop more comprehensive and clearer ideas. Some parts of your essay have commendable ideas, but they sometimes seem a bit unclear or underdeveloped. More detailed explanations and examples would help.
Task Achievement
Including more relevant and specific examples can reinforce your arguments. While the personal anecdote provided some insight, expanding this with more diverse examples could strengthen your points.
Coherence and Cohesion
You've presented a clear introduction and conclusion, which frame the essay nicely.
Task Achievement
The essay effectively argues against the notion that technology makes people less social, presenting a clear stance.
Task Achievement
Your personal story provided a unique aspect to the essay, making it relatable and engaging.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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