IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

Some people think that a sense of competition in children should be encouraged. Others believe that children who are taught to cooperate rather than compete become more useful adults. Discuss both views and give your own opinion.

#people #sense #competition #children #adults
Some would argue that children should be taught to have
Correct article usage
a competition
show examples
competition
Replace the word
competitive
show examples
 sense,
while
 others think that it is not more important than cooperative
skill
Fix the agreement mistake
skills
show examples
 which will be used more in their adult lives.
Although
 learning how to compete can make a child solve a problem faster, adopting the skill
how
Change preposition
of how
show examples
 to cooperate is better. On the one hand, there are many parents and teachers who teach
thier
Correct your spelling
their
 little ones to always be the best in school or in every
competitions
Change to a singular noun
competition
show examples
. It could make the child capable
to solve
Change preposition
of solving
show examples
 any kind of
problems
Fix the agreement mistake
problem
show examples
 quickly.
For example
, Indonesia has ubiquitous schools which are likely to give
rewords
Correct your spelling
rewards
show examples
 to the students having
Correct article usage
the higest
show examples
higest
Correct your spelling
highest
 scores but punishment for those who are in the
last
 position.
However
, I believe that in the future these children will never create great
results
 as they
focuse
Correct your spelling
focus
focused
 only on their competitors and not on the quality of their
results
.
On the other hand
, people like to devise the young generations to
colaborate
Correct your spelling
collaborate
 with their friends.
This
 idea
consequently
make
Change the verb form
makes
show examples
 the
youngs
Correct your spelling
young
show examples
could
Verb problem
apply
show examples
devise many creative and great impacts
to
Change preposition
on
show examples
 the world as they work
together with
 other people who have different skills and knowledge
with
Change preposition
from
show examples
 them. In the USA,
for instance
, there are a number of universities offering global health subjects. It teaches the learners how to solve health problems in
multideciplinery
Correct your spelling
multidisciplinary
 ways not only doctors, but the government,
enterpreneurs
Correct your spelling
entrepreneurs
, and even volunteers can
involve
Wrong verb form
be involved
show examples
.
This
 approach is better because people will pay attention more
on
Change preposition
to
show examples
 the impactful
results
. In conclusion,
while
 competition makes a child
may
Verb problem
apply
show examples
finish a problem quicker, I believe that
colaboration
Correct your spelling
collaboration
 revitalizes the more powerful
results
.
Submitted by lulukfuru on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

task achievement
Clarify some points for better comprehension. For example, when discussing the competition and cooperation benefits, ensure that your points are clearly linked to the topic question.
task achievement
Ensure that your examples are relevant and specific to strengthen your arguments. For instance, more specific information about how Indonesian schools reward or punish students could be beneficial.
coherence cohesion
Improve the logical progression of ideas. For instance, make sure each paragraph flows naturally to the next, linking your points together.
task achievement
You have successfully addressed both sides of the argument and provided arguments for each.
coherence cohesion
A clear introduction and conclusion give your essay a strong structure.
task achievement
You've included an interesting example from USA universities to support your point about cooperation.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

What to do next:
Look at other essays: