It is often clamied that women have achieved greater freedom and have access to the same oppurtunities as men.The pie charts below show some employment patterns in Korea.

#women #freedom #access #oppurtunities #men #show #employment #patterns #korea

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The two pie charts illustrate the proportion of current job positions in Korea comparing males and females.

Overall

Linking Words

,it can be seen that the majority of males are employed as managerial and professional

whereas

Linking Words

,females have the most job positions as other manual.

To begin

Linking Words

with,looking at the first pie chart,

Other

Change the wording

Another

show examples

manual is the most popular occupation among female employees followed closely by clerical and related which are 32% and 30% respectively.Other non-manual taking part as 11%

whereas

Linking Words

,The proportion of managerial and professional doubled to 22%.The others are less than 5% which are craft or similar and general labourers.

However

Linking Words

,The percentage of male employees shows a different pattern.Males are more capable of being managerial and professional which is more than females by 16%.Other

manual

Fix the agreement mistake

manuals

show examples

Correct subject-verb agreement

are

show examples

also

Linking Words

popular being the second most applied career,occupying 28%.Followed closely by craft or similar which is 21%.The other jobs are less than 10% which are other non-manual and clerical and related ,and

lastly

Linking Words

, general labourers

Change the verb form

are

show examples

the lowest among both two groups.

Submitted by chawanat.pla on Mon Nov 04 2024

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "whereas".

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Conclusion: The conclusion is too long.

Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.

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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.

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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.

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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.

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6
Linking words
meeting the goal of 7 or more
0
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
4
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

0123456789.0505

Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 8.0

Logical structure

Single idea per paragraph

Introduction & conclusion present

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 4.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 6.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 6.0

Complete response

Suitable writing tone

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

165 words

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It is often clamied that women have achieved greater freedom and have access to the same oppurtunities as men.The pie charts below show some employment patterns in Korea.

Nowadays，a lot of people enjoy watching sports on TV. Do you think the advantages of watching sports on TV outweigh the disadvantages?

Your child is going on a 3 day international schooltrip .Head teacher wants to find out if parents are interested in joining.write a letter say why you would like to go suggest what you can do to help ask other questions about the trip

In some countries, owning a home rather than renting one is very important for people.Why might this be the case?Do you think this is a positive or negative situation? Give reasons for your answer and include any relevant examples from your own knowledge or experience.

Countries are becoming more and more similar because people are able to buy the same products anywhere in the world. Do you think is a positive or negative development?

Most have forgotten the meanig behind traditional or religious festivals. During festival periods people nowadays only want to enjoy themselves. To what extent do you agree or disagree.