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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

some people say that music is a good way to bringing people of different cultures and ages together. to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

#people #music #cultures #ages
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Some individuals argue that
music
 can be considered as an accurate way to gather
people
 from different
cultures
 and ages together. I strongly agree with
this
 view which will be discussed.
Firstly
,
music
 can provide significant benefits for both
people
 and societies leading to gathering
people
 from various
cultures
 and ages.
Music
 can be considered as a mixed international language, associated with different cultural interests. A good illustration of
this
 is pop, a kind of international
music
, which is extremely popular among
people
, especially the younger generation. Without debt, anywhere the younger
people
 are living, they might be interested in
this
 trend.so
Add the comma(s)
, As a result,
show examples
As a result
music
 can play a vital role among the younger generation interested all around the world.
On the other hand
, even though for various reasons,
people
 from different languages and
cultures
 gather together they might find no common ways to communicate with each other. in these situations,
music
 can play a significant role in assisting
people
 to keep in touch.
For instance
,
people
 from different nations who attended a gala celebration can create a resplendent time
through
Change preposition
by
show examples
 dancing toward playing
music
.
Therefore
, listening to and playing
music
 can dramatically contribute to
overall
 happiness and fun whenever
people
, from
variety
Add an article
a variety
show examples
 of different
cultures
 and nations, gather together. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
music
 can play a crucial role in societies and
people
's
gathering
Fix the agreement mistake
gatherings
show examples
 and relationships. Playing or listening to various
music
 not only brings a sense of happiness for those who gather together from different internationally, but
also
 can contribute to
create
Change the verb form
creating
show examples
 strong communication through different ages.
Submitted by mahanz on

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coherence cohesion
Try to refine some sentences for clarity. For instance, in the second paragraph, the phrase 'Without debt, anywhere the younger people are living, they might be interested in this trend.so As a result music can play a vital role among the younger generation interested all around the world.' could be more straightforward.
task achievement
Work on developing your supporting points more fully with specific details or examples to strengthen your argument. For example, you could mention specific international music events that bring different cultures together.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that outline and summarize your stance respectively, providing a nice framework for the discussion.
task achievement
You effectively express the idea that music is an international language which supports the connectivity among diverse groups.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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