IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

some people say that music is a good way to bringing people of different cultures and ages together. to what extent do you agree or disagree with this opinion

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Some individuals argue that
music
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 can be considered as an accurate way to gather
people
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 from different
cultures
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 and ages together. I strongly agree with
this
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 view which will be discussed.
Firstly
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,
music
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 can provide significant benefits for both
people
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 and societies leading to gathering
people
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 from various
cultures
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 and ages.
Music
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 can be considered as a mixed international language, associated with different cultural interests. A good illustration of
this
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 is pop, a kind of international
music
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, which is extremely popular among
people
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, especially the younger generation. Without debt, anywhere the younger
people
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 are living, they might be interested in
this
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 trend.so
Add the comma(s)
, As a result,
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As a result
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music
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 can play a vital role among the younger generation interested all around the world.
On the other hand
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, even though for various reasons,
people
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 from different languages and
cultures
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 gather together they might find no common ways to communicate with each other. in these situations,
music
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 can play a significant role in assisting
people
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 to keep in touch.
For instance
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,
people
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 from different nations who attended a gala celebration can create a resplendent time
through
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by
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 dancing toward playing
music
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.
Therefore
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, listening to and playing
music
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 can dramatically contribute to
overall
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 happiness and fun whenever
people
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, from
variety
Add an article
a variety
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 of different
cultures
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 and nations, gather together. In conclusion, I strongly believe that
music
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 can play a crucial role in societies and
people
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's
gathering
Fix the agreement mistake
gatherings
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 and relationships. Playing or listening to various
music
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 not only brings a sense of happiness for those who gather together from different internationally, but
also
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 can contribute to
create
Change the verb form
creating
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 strong communication through different ages.

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coherence cohesion
Try to refine some sentences for clarity. For instance, in the second paragraph, the phrase 'Without debt, anywhere the younger people are living, they might be interested in this trend.so As a result music can play a vital role among the younger generation interested all around the world.' could be more straightforward.
task achievement
Work on developing your supporting points more fully with specific details or examples to strengthen your argument. For example, you could mention specific international music events that bring different cultures together.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear introduction and conclusion that outline and summarize your stance respectively, providing a nice framework for the discussion.
task achievement
You effectively express the idea that music is an international language which supports the connectivity among diverse groups.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • universal language
  • evoke
  • connect
  • diverse audiences
  • cultural exchange
  • generational gaps
  • shared experiences
  • unifying force
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