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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Across the world, local shops are closing due to losing customers to online competitors. What problems does this produce? And what solutions can you suggest to overcome them?

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Local
shops
Use synonyms
 All around the world are stopping buying as they are losing customers to the online business. The principal problems
this
Linking Words
 causes are job losses and environmental impact, and solutions are public awareness and government incentives.  Local
shops
Use synonyms
 provide employment for a number of
people
Use synonyms
, but with their closure,
people
Use synonyms
 become unemployed.
This
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,
therefore
Linking Words
, results in the rise of the unemployment rate.
Then
Linking Words
, online
shops
Use synonyms
 waste much packaging
that
Correct pronoun usage
which
show examples
 leads to an impact negatively on the environment,
such
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 as much CO2 in the air compared to buying locally.
For instance
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, Namshi is a significant application for shopping nowadays, but it harms the air because many planets go from one country to another for purchase. Unfortunately, the atmosphere has reduced in o2 after much steam from
this
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 equipment. One of the possible solutions is public awareness that can be spread by small business owners themselves.
People
Use synonyms
 should have the ability to know about the harmful effects of
long-terms
Correct your spelling
long-term
show examples
 by using campaigns advertised by local
shops
Use synonyms
 to encourage
people
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 to buy from the
center
Change the spelling
centre
show examples
 of the city from persons who leave
their
Change the pronoun
them
show examples
.
Therefore
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, the government should provide a role to protect the native market by allocating funds
due to
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 tax, which helps tiny companies complete their work against online
shops
Use synonyms
.
For example
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, Saudi Arabia is the best country for providing many roles to assist small
shops
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 to contain work and avoid a tax that leads to getting
owners
Change noun form
owners'
owner's
show examples
shops
Use synonyms
 from closing. In conclusion, when we are closing small local markets and don’t care about them, that harms the environment and causes unemployment.
However
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,
this
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 effect we can handle through the roles of government and awareness among citizens.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Improve the logical flow by ensuring ideas connect smoothly between paragraphs and within them. Consider using more linking words and phrases to guide the reader.
Task Achievement
Provide more relevant examples and details to illustrate your points clearly. This will help strengthen your argument and make your ideas more compelling.
Coherence and Cohesion
Clear structure with an introduction and conclusion present.
Task Achievement
Addresses the task and attempts to respond to all parts.

Your opinion

Don’t put your opinion unless you are asked to give it.

If the question asks what you think, you MUST give your opinion to get a good score.

Don’t leave your opinion until the conclusion.

Here are examples of instructions that require you to give your opinion:

...do you agree or disagree?...do you think...?...your opinion...?

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