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Band 4.5

Nowadays, many people spend less and less time at home. What are the causes of this? What are the effects of this on individuals and on the society?

#people #time #home #effects #individuals #society
These days, technology has been developing ,but we can see the houses
in
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apply
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most
time
 are empty from
people
 owing to the fact that they spend a lot of
time
in
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apply
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outdoor
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outdoors
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.
This
 essay discusses
to
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apply
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the main reasons that create
this
 happening and the effects of them in
the
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apply
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both
communties
Correct your spelling
communities
 and
persons
Replace the word
people
show examples
.
This
 matter is a result of crowded
the
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apply
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metropolices
Correct your spelling
metropolises
metropolis
 and the
economy
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economic
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 issue. On the one hand, the number of
people
 who live in big cities
are
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is
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 a lot;
therefore
, inhabitants have to spend a great deal of
time
to go
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going
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 to
the
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apply
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work
 and
come
Wrong verb form
coming
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 back;
additionally
, in the rush
hour
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hour,
show examples
people
 spend
to
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too
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 much
time
on
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in
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 traffic jam.
On the other hand
, today,
people
 need a number of money to make
confortable
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comfortable
 lives for their
family
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families
show examples
;
consequently
, they have several works and invest their whole
time
on
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in
show examples
 working and
climbing
Verb problem
raising
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 their income. Unfortunately, the
influnece
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influence
 of
this
 problem
impact
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impacts
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 mental health and the
crims
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crimes
show examples
. On the one side, if communities
work
 all the
time
, they have inerations with neither family nor friends; in fact,
this
 phenomenon
influence
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influences
show examples
in
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apply
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their
metal
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mental
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 health and after a long
time
 they
related
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relate
show examples
 from happy
people
 to the population who are really angry and have less yield. On the other side, In
this
 kind of
society
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society,
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 children do not have their parents, so they
most
Add a missing verb
are most
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 of the
time
 are alone and do the range of
the
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apply
show examples
work
 that they like and do
no
Correct your spelling
not
show examples
 learn the best
work
 and
diffren
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the difference
 between
goo
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good
show examples
 and bad
works
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work
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;
thereafter
, in the
future
Add a comma
future,
show examples
 the rate of crime will climb.
To sum up
, in my opinion, earning a majority
money
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of money
show examples
 and working in the urban areas are the good
point
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points
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;
however
, the
fatc
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thing
that is
 really important is that we have to
compares
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compare
show examples
 their benefits and
a
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the
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 negative effect of spending less
time
 in homes;
then
 choose their job and the
time
 of working.
Submitted by maryamkazemi968 on

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task achievement
Try to provide clear and comprehensive ideas by using more structured paragraphs where each part of the argument is clearly outlined and explained.
coherence cohesion
Strengthen the logical flow by using more cohesive devices and connectors to make the relationship between sentences and ideas more apparent.
task achievement
Use specific examples to illustrate your points more effectively. This will help support your main ideas and make your argument more convincing.
task achievement
You addressed the prompt by discussing both causes and effects of people spending less time at home.
coherence cohesion
Your essay includes an introduction and a conclusion which helps in structuring the response.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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