IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5

In some countries young people are encouraged to work or travel for a year between finishing high school and starting university studies. Discuss the advantages and disadvantages for young people who decide to do this .

#countries #people #work #travel #year #school #university #studies
It is often argued that some nations encourage their teenagers to have a
vaccation
Correct your spelling
vaccination
 trip for 12 months,
there
Correct word choice
but there
show examples
 is
also
 an argument that opposes it.
This
 essay will discuss both the benefits and the drawbacks. On the one hand, families motivate their
students
 to have a round trip to increase their capability to handle life responsibilities.
In addition
, being out for a
year
 will teach the student how to deal with different life difficulties, which will affect their capability to choose the right things during
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
academic life.
For example
, The US found,
students
Correct word choice
that students
show examples
 who lived alone for more than a
year
,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have critical thinking and a good ability to solve problems related to the university,
whereas
,
students
 who refuse to leave their families,
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
have
a lower personalities
Correct the article-noun agreement
a lower personality
lower personalities
show examples
 because they need support in every decision they make.
On the other hand
, wasting a whole
year
for
Change preposition
on
show examples
 vacations is a waste of time, which will increase their university years and decrease their success.
Students
 by missing a
year
 can lack the ability to study because they waste a
year
 just for fun.
Moreover
, the student must allocate their teenage years to studying and they can formulate a plan to travel during their vacations .
For instance
, the admission requirements for universities have increased
with
Change preposition
over
show examples
 the years, so we should encourage
students
 not to waste their time and lose their position. In conclusion, there is no easy answer to
this
 question. On balance,
however
, I tend to believe that the advantages outweigh the disadvantages.
Submitted by sslghamdi945 on

Unauthorized use and/or duplication of this material without express and written permission from this site’s author and/or owner is strictly prohibited. Excerpts and links may be used, provided that full and clear credit is given to Writing9 with appropriate and specific direction to the original content.

coherence cohesion
Improve logical flow by ensuring each argument flows sequentially from one to another with clear transitions.
task achievement
Provide more specific examples to substantiate your points rather than general statements.
task achievement
Enhance task achievement by addressing both advantages and disadvantages more thoroughly with balanced depth.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear structure with an introduction and conclusion.
task achievement
The discussion of both advantages and disadvantages displays an understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The use of real-world examples, like those about students in the US, adds credibility to your points.

Use a variety of complex and simple sentences

You should use complex sentences in your writing, but it does not mean that you should try to make all of our sentences complex.

‘Complex’ sentences are not actually very complex; they are just two or more simple sentences put together. Putting them together makes the essay more coherent and cohesive.

Examples:

I really want to study but I’m too tired.

I wore a warm coat because the weather was cold.

If action is not taken soon on climate change, global warming will get worse.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Essentional vocabulary list for IELTS Writing 7+

Learn how to write high-scoring essays with powerful words.
Download Free PDF and start improving you writing skills today!
Topic Vocabulary:
  • Cultural immersion
  • Life experience
  • Work ethic
  • Career readiness
  • Self-discovery
  • Delayed gratification
  • Intellectual stagnation
  • Financial implications
  • Social dynamics
  • Academic trajectory
What to do next:
Look at other essays: