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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The chart shows the information about salt intake in the US in 2000.

The chart shows the information about salt intake in the US in 2000.
The bar chart below compares the sult consumption of American women and men
as well as
Linking Words
 its recommended
amount
Use synonyms
 in different age
period
Fix the agreement mistake
periods
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, from under 6 to over 60
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
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 old, in 2000. Looking from an
overall
Linking Words
 perspective, men's
salt
Use synonyms
 consumption was significantly higher than that of women throughout, particularly when they were 20-39 years old. The highlight of
chart
Add an article
the chart
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 was the recommended
salt
Use synonyms
 intake which was constant for every age, at 2500
milligrms
Correct your spelling
milligrams
.
Moreover
Linking Words
, to start with female's usage of
salt
Use synonyms
, the
amount
Use synonyms
 of
salt
Use synonyms
was
Unnecessary verb
apply
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used by them was the lowest
while
Linking Words
 they were under 6 years old.
However
Linking Words
, after a noticeable increase in 6-11-year-old
women
Change noun form
women's
show examples
salt
Use synonyms
 intake, it approximately remained constant until they passed 60 years.
Then
Linking Words
, it dramatically decreased and reached the
recommened
Correct your spelling
recommended
amount
Use synonyms
.
On the other hand
Linking Words
, male
salt
Use synonyms
 consumption was even under the suggested
amount
Use synonyms
 of
salt
Use synonyms
 intake, when they were under 6
year
Fix the agreement mistake
years
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 old;
however
Linking Words
, it underwent a remarkable surge. To put it differently, 20-39-year-old men used the highest
amount
Use synonyms
 of
salt
Use synonyms
 in their whole life.
Linking Words
However
Add a comma
However,
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after
Linking Words
this
Linking Words
 age period, it gradually declined.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "however".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words amount, salt with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "amount" was used 5 times.
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