IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5.5

It is often thought that an increase in juvenile crime can be attributed to violence in the media. To what extent do you agree or disasgree ?

#crime #violence #media #disasgree
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There is no denying the fact that some parents are baying for their
children
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 a large
number
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 of
toys
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 to play with.
While
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 it is a commonly held belief that there are advantages to buying a lot of
toys
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 for your
children
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, there is
also
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 an argument that
are
Correct pronoun usage
there are
show examples
 disadvantages for the kid having a large
number
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 of
toys
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.
This
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 essay will analyse
this
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 topic from both points of view and express my opinion. On the one hand, a large
number
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 of
toys
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 will make
children
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's minds more active.
In other words
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, they will play and create a small world in their minds.
In addition
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, more
toys
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 will make them
using
Wrong verb form
use
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mobile phones less than others.
For example
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, if they have
toys
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 they will not be playing on the phone.
On the other hand
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, there are many disadvantages like having a lot of
toys
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 makes them cannot realise the value.it is
also
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 possible to say that, maybe they will not take care of their
toys
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 because they have a large figure of
toys
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 and if some of them break kids are not being sad.
Moreover
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, when these
childrenchildren
Correct your spelling
children children
growing
Wrong verb form
grow
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 up they will want everything.
For instance
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, they will want to change their cars our baying a lot of things are not needed. In conclusion, there are no easy answers to these questions, on balance,
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however
Add a comma
however,
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 I tend to believe that a large
number
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 of
toys
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 for kids is not right because
children
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 need to learn how to play and be happy with anything.
Submitted by mona11omar33 on

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task achievement
Ensure that examples provided are specific and directly support the point you are making.
coherence cohesion
Develop a clearer paragraph structure with clear topic sentences.
task achievement
Clarify your stance further and ensure it is consistently maintained throughout the essay.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction successfully outlines both sides of the argument.
task achievement
You have included both advantages and disadvantages which shows a balanced view.

Structure your answers in logical paragraphs

The easiest way to score well on the IELTS Task 2 writing portion is to structure your writing in a solid essay format.

A strong argument essay structure can be split up into 4 paragraphs, each containing 4 sentences (except the conclusion paragraph, which only contains 3 sentences).

Stick to this essay structure:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • juvenile delinquency
  • media desensitization
  • aggression
  • parental supervision
  • media consumption
  • critical media literacy
  • socio-economic conditions
  • family environment
  • psychological issues
  • international comparisons
What to do next:
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