IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 5.5

Some people think certain prisoners should be made to do unpaid community work instead of being put behind the bar. To what extent do you agree?

#people #prisoners #community #work #bar
While
 it is a commonly held belief that
prisoners
 must remain in jail, there is
also
 an argument that
prisoners
 should participate in
community
 work for free. I strongly agree with
this
 idea, because it allows them to
enroll
Change the spelling
enrol
show examples
 in the
community
 and decrease the percentage of crimes after they
released
Add a missing verb
are released
show examples
.
To begin
 with,
prisoners
 always think that the population
against
Add a missing verb
is against
show examples
 them, and because of that they
committed
Wrong verb form
commit
show examples
 major crimes in their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
show examples
.
Furthermore
, if we want to have a good citizen we must educate the
prisoners
 on how to communicate with people and allow them to participate in
community
 work to make both sides accept each other.
For example
, research found that if we engage the
prisoners
 with the
community
, it will allow them to have a job and build a confident relationship between them.
Moreover
, behind the bar
prisoners
 always make wrong mistakes, being in a relationship with
prisoners
 means that they are surrounded by bad ideas. People are always affected by their friends and groups, so the government must set a rule to keep the
prisoners
 away from each other.
For instance
,
Prisoners
 always
have
Verb problem
commit
show examples
a
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
crime
Fix the agreement mistake
crimes
show examples
 inside the jail because of the negativity surrounding the place, but if we separate them and control them from a far distance we could build a good nation. In conclusion, despite the debate about where the
prisoners
 should continue their cases, I agree with
this
 statement to build a healthy
community
 that accepts the
prisoners
 and allows them to have good friendships to decrease the rate of crimes after they
released
Add a missing verb
are released
show examples
.
Submitted by sslghamdi945 on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure clearer transitions between paragraphs and ideas for better flow.
task achievement
Work on providing more specific examples to support your arguments.
task achievement
Try to elaborate on the examples with more detailed explanations to enhance clarity.
coherence cohesion
Your introduction and conclusion succinctly present and restate the main argument.
task achievement
You effectively argue your viewpoint, showcasing a strong understanding of the issue.
coherence cohesion
The essay maintains focus on the main question throughout, providing a consistent argument.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • Rehabilitation
  • Constructive
  • Vocational skills
  • Cost-effective
  • Incarceration
  • Financial burden
  • Community cohesion
  • Integration
  • Public safety
  • Exploitation
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