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Writing Samples
Band 5

In many societies around the world, the population is rapidly aging, and this is leading to unsustainable increases in the cost of public health. The population of the country must pay for their own medical care in the future. Do you agree or disagree with the statement?

#societies #world #population #increases #cost #health #country #care #future
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These days countries’
Use synonyms
population
Fix the agreement mistake
populations
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 are
being
Verb problem
getting
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 old and creating problems in terms of
financial
Replace the word
finances
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 for
their
Correct pronoun usage
apply
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treatment
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,
in addition
Linking Words
,
individuals
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 may be required to cover a greater portion of their medical
costs
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 in the future. I totally agree with
this
Linking Words
a
Correct article usage
apply
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statement because as the
population
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 ages, the demand for Healthcare
services
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 increases and the
costs
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 associated with providing these
services
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also
Linking Words
rises
Correct subject-verb agreement
rise
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. On the one hand, with an increase in the
aging
Change the spelling
ageing
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population
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, the demand for medical care and
health
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services
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also
Linking Words
 increases. What is more, the need for healthcare professionals
such
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 as nurses, medications, and physiotherapists is
also
Linking Words
 on the rise. In order to balance the budget for
health
Use synonyms
services
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 and other areas,
individuals
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 may have to cover a portion of their
treatment
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costs
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.
This
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 can be done by using additional insurance plans or by paying an extra tax for
health
Use synonyms
services
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.
Otherwise
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, the
treatment
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 provided may not be of
a
Remove the article
apply
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good quality, and
this
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 particular group of the
population
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 may experience shortages in medication and equipment.
On the other hand
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 , older
individuals
Use synonyms
 may have to pay for a greater portion of their medical
costs
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.
In other words
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, perhaps they are on fixed incomes ,
such
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 as pensions or social security,
may
Correct word choice
and may
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 have to pay more out of their own pocket.
However
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, the government should allocate a great budget to cure
such
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 people
that
Correct word choice
so that
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 not
to
Verb problem
apply
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be worried about
during
Change preposition
apply
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disease. They tend to have more complex medical needs, which means they need to see the doctor and get medical procedures more often.
This
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 leads to even higher medical bills. In order to maintain the sustainability and affordability of Healthcare systems, it may become necessary to shift some of the burden of
costs
Use synonyms
 to older
individuals
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. In conclusion,
while
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older
Correct article usage
the older
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population
Use synonyms
 are going to be increased and
also
Linking Words
 their medical needs adhere
of
Change preposition
to
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 their age, I believe that they should pay
cost
Add an article
the cost
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 of their
treatment
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 because of increasing demand and increasing cost in order
maintain
Fix the infinitive
to maintain
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Add an article
the
a
show examples
balance of
health
Use synonyms
 systems.
Submitted by ghorabibita on

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task response
Clarify the thesis statement in the introduction to clearly outline your position.
task response
Strengthen your arguments with specific examples or data where appropriate.
coherence cohesion
Work on avoiding repetition and improve transitions between paragraphs.
coherence cohesion
The essay provides a clear introduction and conclusion, linking the points together.
coherence cohesion
The argument is generally well-organized, with two main parts discussing increased healthcare demand and cost sharing.
task response
Key points are adequately developed, addressing the complexity of the issue on healthcare costs.
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