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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that governments should have access to people’s mobile phone call records and messages for safety reasons. Others believe that this information is private and should not be available without permission. Discuss both these views and give your opinion.

#people #governments #access #people’s #phone #records #messages #safety #information #permission
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Several people think that it is understandable to give the state permission to our phone call records and online text to ensure security,
However
, others argue that
this
 information is private, and it needs our allowance to be accessed. In
this
 essay, I will explain
about
Change preposition
apply
show examples
this
 notion
as well as
 my argument.
To begin
 with, authorities should have unlimited
access
through
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our record of activities because they need
those information
Change the determiner
that information
show examples
 as intelligence in response to any unlawful act.
Thus
, any suspicious activities that may lead to crimes can be tracked and repressed.
For example
, the government can predict and ,
furthermore
, infiltrate any occurring drug deals by scanning phone calls.
On the other hand
, some people believe
this
 information is in everyone's personal space. They demand the right to be secure and get a guaranteed personal space. It has been
a
Correct article usage
the
show examples
 government's responsibility to ensure their people's well-being. If a person lives in
a
Remove the article
apply
show examples
constant discomfort
due to
 the lack of security, it means the state
fail
Correct subject-verb agreement
fails
show examples
 in executing their duty.
For instance
, before reformation, several
demonstration
Change to a plural noun
demonstrations
show examples
 were held
because
Add the preposition
because of
show examples
 the lack of privacy. From my standpoint, I strongly believe that we need to have the full right
of
Change preposition
to
show examples
 our personal space, and any kind of
access
 to our particular details should be in our agreement.
However
, as a citizen, we
also
 have the responsibility to take part in any
criminal-repression
Correct your spelling
criminal repression
show examples
 activity, which means we must allow any
access
 if it's related to important cases. In conclusion, both the state and society have to share responsibilities in providing personal spaces
as well as
 allowing
any
Correct quantifier usage
apply
show examples
access
 in crucial circumstances.
Submitted by 000silr111 on

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task achievement
Try to expand your arguments with more specific examples and analysis to strengthen your points.
coherence cohesion
Ensure a consistent logical flow of ideas between paragraphs to further improve coherence.
introduction conclusion present
Your introduction effectively sets the stage for the discussion of both viewpoints.
complete response
You provided a balanced view and clear opinion on the issue, showing a good understanding of both sides.
coherence cohesion
The essay has a clear structure with an introduction, body paragraphs, and conclusion.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

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