The bar chart below shows a survey of a group of young professional aged 20 to 30 years old who ere asked to state which factors motivated them to succeed.

The bar chart below shows a survey of a group of young professional aged 20 to 30 years old who ere asked to state which factors motivated them to succeed.
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The bar chart illustrates the information about eleven
factors
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that 20 to
30 years old
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30-year-old
experts consider to motivate them to accomplish in their life.The figure is divided into personal and external
factors
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and given in percentage.
Overall
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,it can be seen that there are no significant differences between personal and external
factors
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.
To begin
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with,the most two important
factors
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that contribute to their success are personal
factors
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which are personal satisfaction and their own ambition,accounting for just under 80%.
However
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,the two
factors
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from external ones follow closely,occupying 70% and 60% respectively. The four other
factors
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consisting of three from personal groups namely desire for material things,money and rivalry and one from external groups namely peer pressure take part at nearly the same percentage which is around 40-50%. The
last
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three influence
factors
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from personal
factors
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are feelings of inadequacy,envy/jealousy and fear of failure which only less than a third of young professional people are rated for.
Submitted by chawanat.pla on

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Basic structure: Change the fifth paragraph.
Vocabulary: Replace the words factors with synonyms.
Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 2 times.
Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the fifth paragraph.
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