Public celebrations (festivals, national day) are held in some countries. Some people think that they are very expensive and the government should spend money on some other important issues. Do you agree or disagree?

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Numerous countries around the world
celebrates
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celebrate
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a lot of festivals with lump sum
money
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.
Which
Correct pronoun usage
This
show examples
is not considered to be good by some
people
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as they think
this
Linking Words
money
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can be used as
resource
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a resource
show examples
for many existing issues in
the societies
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society
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.
Whereas
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, there is
importance
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the importance
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of celebration among
people
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. In the following paragraphs, I will discuss
about
Remove the preposition
apply
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both before getting into agreement or disagreement.
Firstly
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, commemoration can be quite significant since these can be
excellent
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an excellent
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way
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to not only educate
people
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about the history and some great happenings but
also
Linking Words
can help to make
people
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come together.
For example
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, in India,
republic day
Correct your spelling
Republic Day
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and Independence
days
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Day
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are celebrated with huge
enthusiam
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enthusiasm
by hoisting flag
ceremony
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ceremonies
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, rallies and
people
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enacting some popular figures who came together to make it an independent country and formed
constitution
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a constitution
show examples
. In
this
Linking Words
way
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, residents of the nation are reminded to stay united in future and respect the nation.
Secondly
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, there is an idea that
government
Correct article usage
the government
show examples
can actually use
this
Linking Words
money
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to do something remarkable for the communities and
mass
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masses
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that need help. Since there can be many areas that might be
depriving
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deprived
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of some basic needs.
For instance
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, in Bangladesh, huge
assest
Correct your spelling
asset
assets
is
Correct subject-verb agreement
are
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invested timely for cultural public programs and festivals
however
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on the other side many
citizen
Change to a plural noun
citizens
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are not even getting the basic needs for life. If authorities use the finance in
Use synonyms
way
Add an article
a way
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that poor and in need
people
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can improve the
way
Use synonyms
they live and can afford
day to day
Add a hyphen
day-to-day
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requirments
Correct your spelling
requirements
.
Therefore
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, it can be seen that actually investing and managing finance can affect the
economical
Replace the word
economic
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state of the nation.
To conclude
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, I would say that I agree with
given
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the given
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statement that governing bodies are required to take steps to use the
money
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of the country to solve different concerns so that it can
brings
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bring
show examples
some useful results
overall
Linking Words
.
Submitted by preetsimran0123 on

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coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, which is great for maintaining structure. However, some sentences in the body paragraphs could be organized more logically to enhance the flow of ideas.
task achievement
Ensure each point is fully developed with specific details or examples, which will make the argument stronger.
task achievement
Be careful with word choice and sentence construction to improve clarity, especially in explaining complex ideas.
task achievement
You've effectively outlined both sides of the argument, which shows a balanced understanding of the topic.
task achievement
The essay provides specific examples, such as the Republic Day in India, which help support your points more concretely.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion clearly state the argument, giving the essay a well-rounded feel.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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