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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

Some people believe that success is about hard work and determination. Others think that success has connection with money and personal appearance. Discuss bothviews and give your opinion.

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In
this
Linking Words
fast changing
Add a hyphen
fast-changing
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 world,
success
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 comes in many different forms and definitions.
Success
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 in
career
Correct article usage
a career
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 is undeniably
one
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 major aspect that every individual is racing to accomplish.
While
Linking Words
 many think that being successful is related to the rich and appearance, I personally believe that consistency and hard effort bring a much deeper meaning to
success
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 and here are my reasonings. On the
one
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 hand, it is not news that with money comes power and vice versa. It is seen that many individuals with money and good exterior image achieve
success
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 rather
easier
Replace the word
easily
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 compared to those who
comes
Change the verb form
come
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 from a lower
socioecomic
Correct your spelling
socioeconomic
socio-economic
 status. These people tend to be able to climb up the ladder faster and with little effort.
For instance
Linking Words
, a minister's son or daughter is given a big national contract without having to prove their credentials.
This
Linking Words
 type of
success
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 is easy to
achive
Correct your spelling
achieve
 yet easy to slip away from
one
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's hand if not careful.
On the other hand
Linking Words
,
success
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 has
a strong relations
Correct the article-noun agreement
a strong relation
strong relations
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 to hard work and determination. Many successful businessmen started their company from scratch and
build
Wrong verb form
built
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 an empire business that lasts until now.
For example
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, take Mark
Zuchenberg
Correct your spelling
Zuckerberg
 who started his Facebook business or JK Rowling who wrote
Harry
Correct article usage
the Harry
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 Potter books. These successful people were once rejected,
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however
Add a comma
however,
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 they are
one
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 of the most successful people now
due to
Linking Words
 their hard work and determination. In summary, I strongly believe that
while
Linking Words
 money and appearance are important for
success
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, the true meaning of
success
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 comes with hard work and determination.
These
Correct determiner usage
This
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 type of
success
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 is more
long lasting
Add a hyphen
long-lasting
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,
give
Correct subject-verb agreement
gives
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 us a bittersweet experience and more meaning to
one
Use synonyms
's life.

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Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure clarity and precision in expressing your argument. Some sentences are slightly unclear or awkwardly phrased, such as "success has a strong relations to hard work and determination." Consider revising this to "success is strongly related to hard work and determination."
Task Achievement
Expand on the examples given to provide more depth and insight into your argument. For instance, more details about how Mark Zuckerberg or J.K. Rowling's hard work and determination led to their success would strengthen your points.
Task Achievement
The essay presents a balanced view on both perspectives of success related to hard work/determination and money/personal appearance.
Coherence and Cohesion
There is a clear introduction and conclusion which summarizes the argument well.
Topic Vocabulary:
  • success
  • hard work
  • determination
  • money
  • personal appearance
  • achievement
  • effort
  • perseverance
  • financial wealth
  • luxuries
  • material possessions
  • self-esteem
  • self-confidence
  • happiness
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