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Writing Samples
Band 5.5

The figure shows the results of a survey of 1000 adolescents in five different countries. The participants were asked at what age they believed certain rights and responsibilities should be granted to young people.

The figure shows the results of a survey of 1000 adolescents in five different countries. The participants were asked at what age they believed certain rights and responsibilities should be granted to young people.
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The bar chart illustrates what
ages
Use synonyms
 in 1000
adolescents
Use synonyms
 of
survey
Add an article
the survey
show examples
 believed criminal
responsibilities
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,
marrige
Correct your spelling
marriage
 and voting
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right
Fix the agreement mistake
rights
show examples
 have
permited
Correct your spelling
permitted
 to
youngers
Use synonyms
 in five
countries
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,including the USA,the UK,
Mexico
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,Japan and Egypt.
Overall
Linking Words
,as we can observe apparently the chart,Japan young
people
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 accept more highest age in three rights than
Use synonyms
youngers
Correct your spelling
younger
show examples
 in every
Use synonyms
countries
Change to a singular noun
country
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.
All off
Change preposition
In all
show examples
 six
countries
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,
adolescents
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 in
Mexico
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that
Correct word choice
apply
show examples
they
Correct pronoun usage
apply
show examples
think young
people
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 can process rights and
responsibilities
Use synonyms
 under
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
18
years
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 old. To
the
Correct article usage
apply
show examples
begin with,in Japan,
Use synonyms
youngers
Correct your spelling
young people
show examples
 think to need the highest
years
Use synonyms
 old to have
marriage
Use synonyms
Use synonyms
right
Replace the word
rights
show examples
,about 22
years
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 old,and voting
right
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also
Linking Words
 has the highest
years
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 about 20
years
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 old.Meanwhile,the USA young
people
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 believe that
adolescents
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allow
Wrong verb form
are allowed
show examples
 12
years
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 old to have criminal
responsibilities
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 less
ages
Use synonyms
 than
other
Correct article usage
the other
show examples
 five
countries
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,
also
Linking Words
 USA
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youngers
Correct your spelling
young people
show examples
 have the same thinking about
ages
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 in
marriage
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 and voting should in 18
years
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 old.
In addition
Linking Words
,the UK has second rank in
marriage
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 age,the figures saw
adolescents
Use synonyms
 are granted
to
Change preposition
apply
show examples
young
people
Use synonyms
 in voting and criminal
responsivilities
Correct your spelling
responsibilities
are
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
both the same dates in the UK and
Mexico
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,about 16 and 17
years
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 old.
Moreover
Linking Words
,young
people
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 in
Mexico
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 and Egypt,
also
Linking Words
same
Correct article usage
the same
show examples
Use synonyms
ages
Fix the agreement mistake
age
show examples
 in
marriage
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right
Use synonyms
 over 16
years
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 old.
Nonethless
Correct your spelling
Nonetheless
,Japanese
adolescents
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 believe that criminal
responsibilities
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 and Epypt young
people
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in
Change preposition
from
show examples
 voting think same age to allow,about 18
years
Use synonyms
 old.Young
people
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 think
adolescents
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commit
Correct pronoun usage
who commit
show examples
 a crime
have
Add the particle
to have
show examples
 to abide by
resoposble
Correct your spelling
responsible
in
Change preposition
at
show examples
 14
years
Use synonyms
 old.

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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words ages, adolescents, responsibilities, right, youngers, countries, mexico, people, years, marriage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: Rephrase the word "undefined" in your introduction.
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Vocabulary: Only 5 basic words for charts were used.
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Vocabulary: The word "about" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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