IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 7

Government investment in the arts, such as music and theatre, is a waste of money. Governments must invest this money in public services instead. To what extent do you agree or disagree with this statement?

#government #investment #arts #music #theatre #waste #money #governments #services
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The government funding in the
arts
,
such
 as music and theatre, is considered a bad financial decision.
Instead
, government funding should go to public
services
.
Although
 I support that the government should invest in public
services
,
such
 as
transportation
, I do not think that spending
money
 on the
arts
 is a waste. There are more reasons to spend
money
 on public
services
, and one of them is
transportation
. It is easier for commuters to go to work if public
transportation
 is integrated well.
For example
, there are approximately 15,890 people who live in a small city outside Jakarta called ‘Bekasi’ and work in central Jakarta, they need to use more than 1 public
transportation
 to get there.
In addition
,
according to
 an article published in the New York Times, ease of
transportation
 in daily life can improve people’s quality of life.
However
, spending
money
 on
arts
 , especially in music and theatre is
also
 important as it can contribute to economic growth. It is undeniable that the
arts
 provide people with entertainment and yield psychological rewards,
such
 as relief from stress.
For example
, the South by Southwest festival in Austin, Texas generates $355 million in revenue.
Hence
, it would be wrong to think that the government’s capital in
arts
 will be a waste of
money
.
To conclude
,
although
 investing in public
services
 in order to improve current public
transportation
 is important, I do believe that it is
also
 important to allocate the government’s
money
 to the
arts
 as it potentially supports economic growth.
Submitted by adedode on

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coherence cohesion
Ensure a smoother transition between ideas. While the essay flows well, linking phrases could enhance the overall coherence.
task achievement
Expand a bit more on the explanation of why the arts are important. A few more examples or elaboration could strengthen your argument.
coherence cohesion
Your essay demonstrates a strong logical structure and clear flow in its argumentation.
coherence cohesion
The introduction and conclusion are well-crafted, effectively framing the discussion and summarizing your position.
task achievement
Comprehensive response with relevant examples that bolster your argument. The example of the South by Southwest festival was particularly compelling.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

  • Summary
  • Restatement of thesis
  • Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

  • In conclusion
  • To conclude
  • To summarize
  • Finally
  • In a nutshell
  • In general

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Topic Vocabulary:
  • cultural enrichment
  • expression of creativity
  • promote diversity
  • enhance social cohesion
  • boost tourism
  • job creation
  • stimulate economic growth
  • improve quality of life
  • essential services
  • maintenance and development
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