The number of people who are at risk of serious health problems due to being overweigh is increasing. What are the reasons for the growth in overweight people in society? How can this problem be solved?
There is a significant increase in overweight
people
all over the world. Various severe illnesses threaten the
overweight Correct article usage
apply
people
, such
as diabetes, high cholesterol, high blood pressure, heart failure and many others. This
phenomenon is in line with the change of
human lifestyle in Change preposition
in
this
century. More people
reduce their physical activities
due to
high technology of transportation and communications. Furthermore
, various kinds of fast foods and instant drinks with delicious tastes are attracting people
to replace their healthy food
with those. The accumulation of these changes in people
's lifestyles progressively increases the overweight proportions in our population. On the other hand
, we can face this
problem by changing our lifestyle. To support these statements, I will elaborate on them in this
essay.
First,
Nowaday, fewer physical activities
in most people
are a phenomenon. These are the results of advanced transportation and communication. For example
, In Indonesia, there are a lot of people
who choose to drive by their own car or motorcycle rather than walking. A cheap motorcycle or an affordable car may be the main reason. Thus
, only a few people
go to other places for walking or cycling. Smartphone addiction also
makes people
to be more lazy. They only focus on their smartphone, either scrolling social media or watching movies or YouTube, rather than doing some homework. As a result
, fewer activities
lead to the risk of being overweight.
Second,
there are various kinds of fast food
and high-sugar drinks with delicious tastes. For instance
, there are burgers, pizza, potato chips, fried chicken, boba tea, coffee, etc. Evenly
, consuming Rephrase
Even
this
kind of food
and drink become a trend among people
of all ages. In addition
, we are attracted by the unique and interesting advertisements, we can even find them in
anywhere. Change preposition
apply
Therefore
, we can not run to avoid them. The accumulation of consuming these foods will lead to overweight.
However
, the only solution to solve this
condition is to build a deep awareness to be healthy and to live as long as we can. We can boost our physical activities
by registering to
the gym or simply walking 30 minutes a day. Change preposition
for
Furthermore
, we build a commitment to ourselves to replace junk food
with healthy foods. As well as
, replacing the high sugar drinks with a sufficient amount of water. At least we have to drink 2 litres of water a day. As long as , we are committed to changing our lifestyle, well-being and enjoyment will come to us.
In conclusion, building new habits in our population is important to face the severe illness that is
initiated by being overweight. we need our commitment to increase our physical activities
, eat more healthy food
, and also
drink a lot of water.Submitted by putri on
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coherence cohesion
Try to refine the logical flow of your ideas within paragraphs. For instance, make sure each sentence logically follows from the previous one.
task achievement
Ensure to elaborate slightly more on how the proposed solutions can specifically counter the causes of being overweight.
language use
Some grammatical and lexical choices need refinement, such as 'the accumulation of consuming these foods' and 'evenly, consuming this kind of food and drink become a trend.' These phrases can be rephrased to sound more natural.
coherence cohesion
Your essay has a clear introduction and conclusion, making it easy to follow.
task achievement
You included relevant examples like smartphone addiction and the popularity of fast food to illustrate your points, which supports your arguments well.
task achievement
The essay remains on topic throughout and addresses both parts of the question, focusing on solutions as much as on causes.
Support ideas with relevant, specific examples
Examples make your writing easier to understand by illustrating points more effectively.
Examples, if used properly, not only help you get higher marks for ‘Task Response’ but also for ‘Coherence’.
When giving examples it is best to put them after your main idea or topic sentence. They can be used in the middle of supporting sentences or they can be used to start a new sentence. There is no rule for where exactly to give examples in essays, logically they would come after your main idea/topic sentence or just after a supporting sentence.
Linking words for giving examples:
- for example
- for instance
- to illustrate this
- to give a clear example
- such as
- namely
- to illustrate
- take, for example
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