IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 5

The age of information technology has taken a lot of people by surprise. While, it has become a way of life for some, others know very little about it. Eventually we will have a polarized society and this will lead to serious social problems. Form an opinion based on the info above and write a well-reasoned essay.

#age #information #technology #people #surprise #life #society #form #info
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Nowadays, most
teenagers
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 are struggling to enjoy their
life
Fix the agreement mistake
lives
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due to
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 all the expensive things.
Thus
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, some
peoples
Fix the agreement mistake
people
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 suggest they take a part-time job
after-school
Correct your spelling
after school
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 to fulfil their needs, and importantly, to build an understanding of the
work
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 environment, tough character and discipline habits.
However
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, some other people prefer to enjoy a short teenage time to do fun activities or just relax their minds
while
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 taking a
rest
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 right after school. In fact ,
these
Correct determiner usage
apply
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both views are true for some relevant families, that depend on their economic condition.
Therefore
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, I agree with both views.
However
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, in fact
Add a comma
,
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teenagers
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 with take jobs will have better characters than others.
This
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 essay elaborated on my opinions
First,
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part-time
work
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 will
initially
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 introduce a
work
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 environment,
work
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 attitude, and
work
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 discipline for
teenagers
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 at their young ages.
This
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 lesson will build teenager's characters to become more tough, strong
mental
Change the word
mentally
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, more independent, and
Correct quantifier usage
more discipline
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discipline
Wrong verb form
disciplined
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. In fact , these will consume a lot of their
rest
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 time, despite the amount of money they have,
will
Correct word choice
and will
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 be paid off all of the tired.
For instance
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,
this
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 condition is closely related to
teenagers
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 from low-economy families. They are forced to gain more money at their age to help their parents fulfil the family's needs. But, in the future, most of these
teenagers
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 have a very tough mental to
face
Wrong verb form
facing
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 the world.
Second,
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we cannot deny that taking
rest
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 right after school is necessary for students to recharge their body and mind. We know that they had spent their whole energy to be focused on studying various lessons at school.
consequently
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, they must have high-quality
rest
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 in enough time to gain their energy and be focused the next day.
For instance
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,
this
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 condition highly correlates with
teenagers
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 from rich families. their parents just
wanting
Wrong verb form
want
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 the best for their children.
however
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, some of these
teenagers
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 will be fragile mentally because of the lack of experience of facing the world.
To sum up
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, I highly suggest
teenagers
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 take a part-time job to build their character in the best way and gain more success at a young age.
Submitted by putri on

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coherence cohesion
Improve the clarity of sentence structure to make the argument more coherent. For example, some sentences are quite long and can be broken down for better understanding.
task achievement
Use more specific examples to fully support your main points. This would enhance the task achievement score.
introduction conclusion present
The essay starts with a strong introduction and presents a clear thesis statement, successfully acknowledging different viewpoints.
introduction conclusion present
Your essay conclusion effectively restates the main argument and provides a suggested action.
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