Nowadays technology is increasingly being used to monitor what people are saying and doing (for example, through cellphone tracking and security cameras. In many cases, the people being monitored are unaware that this is happening. Do you think the advantages of this development outweigh the disadvantages?

#technology #people #cellphone #security #cameras #cases #development

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A lot of technological gadgets at the moment,

such

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as security cameras, are being used for surveilling people’s activities, including the ones they do not consent to. On one side, the use of

this

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technology can provide better safety. On the other side, if not handled correctly, it can violate other individual’s privacy. I personally agree with the first statement because keeping our lives and properties safe is a priority for most people, despite its consequences. With more gadgets monitoring the surrounding conditions, it will provide better security for the population. Criminal acts will be diminished because there will be no room for the criminal, who is being watched by many eyes, to escape.

For example

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, one of Indonesia’s most controversial crimes was the murder of Mirna with cyanide added to her coffee. Evidence from the CCTV was one of the most reliable sources of information

that is

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used in the court and has proven to be very beneficial.

On the contrary

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, the use of monitoring gadgets may result in less privacy. It is very dangerous to have our data or identification inside it, especially without consent,

due to

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the possibility that it is not used for noble purposes.

For instance

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, there was shocking news lately in Indonesia regarding some of the low-rated hotels that secretly installed security cameras in hidden places to sneak on the guests. They would share the recorded private footage of the guests,

for instance

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when they are taking a shower, and gain some profit from selling it. In conclusion, even though the use of surveillance technologies may violate a person’s privacy

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apply

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if operated wisely, it can still benefit us by creating a safer environment.

Submitted by muhammadraditya9 on Sun Nov 10 2024

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task achievement

You could elaborate a bit more on the examples to provide greater depth and strengthen your argument.

coherence and cohesion

The transitions between your ideas are smooth, but you might want to incorporate a broader range of linking words for even better flow.

task achievement

Your introduction clearly outlines the topic and establishes your position effectively.

task achievement

You have provided relevant examples that illustrate your points well.

coherence and cohesion

Each paragraph logically follows from the previous one, resulting in a well-structured essay.

task achievement

You have addressed both the advantages and disadvantages, giving a balanced view.

Include an introduction and conclusion

A conclusion is essential for IELTS writing task 2. It is more important than most people realise. You will be penalised for missing a conclusion in your IELTS essay.

The easiest paragraph to write in an essay is the conclusion paragraph. This is because the paragraph mostly contains information that has already been presented in the essay – it is just the repetition of some information written in the introduction paragraph and supporting paragraphs.

The conclusion paragraph only has 3 sentences:

Summary
Restatement of thesis
Prediction or recommendation

Example:

To summarize, a robotic teacher does not have the necessary disciple to properly give instructions to students and actually works to retard the ability of a student to comprehend new lessons. Therefore, it is clear that the idea of running a classroom completely by a machine cannot be supported. After thorough analysis on this subject, it is predicted that the adverse effects of the debate over technology-driven teaching will always be greater than the positive effects, and because of this, classroom teachers will never be substituted for technology.

Start your conclusion with a linking phrase. Here are some examples:

In conclusion
To conclude
To summarize
Finally
In a nutshell
In general

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7
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meeting the goal of 7 or more
0
Word repetition
meeting the goal of 3 or fewer
1
Grammar mistakes
detected issues

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Overall Band Score

Coherence and Cohesion: 7.0

Logical structure

Introduction & conclusion present

Supported main points

Accurate linking words

Variety in linking words

Lexical resource: 8.0

Varied vocabulary

Accurate spelling & word formation

Grammatical Range: 8.0

Mix of complex & simple sentences

Clear and correct grammar

Task Achievement: 8.0

Complete response

Clear & comprehensive ideas

Relevant & specific examples

Appropriate word count

4 paragraphs

279 words

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