IELTS Writing Correction Service
Writing Samples
Band 6

The table below gives information about the percentage of workforce employed in six industries in Australia between 1989 and 2009. Summarise the information by selecting and reporting the main features and make comparisons where relevant.

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The given table illustrates the proportion of employees in six industries, which are
Manufcturing
Correct your spelling
Manufacturing

If you don’t want Manufcturing to be marked as misspelled in the future, you can add it to your personal dictionary.

, Retail, Healthcare, Construction, Education and Tourism in 1989 and 2009. It is clear that in manufacturing and
retail
Add a comma
retail,

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase in manufacturing and retail. Consider adding a comma.

show examples
 the
number
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of people employed decreased over the period,
whereas
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 in all other given
industries
Add a comma
industries,

It appears that you are missing a comma after the introductory phrase in all other given industries. Consider adding a comma.

show examples
 the
number
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of workers increased. The highest
percentage
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of workers (15%) worked in
manufacturing
Add an article
the manufacturing

The noun phrase manufacturing industry seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 industry in 1989.
This
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 proportion decreased by a third and reached a little below 10% in 2009. In retail, the
percentage
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of
workforce
Add an article
the workforce

The noun phrase workforce seems to be missing a determiner before it. Consider adding an article.

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 fell from 11.8 in 1989 to 10.1 in 2009. In healthcare, the
percentage
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of employees increased from 9.6 to 11.3. In construction, education and tourism the
percentage
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of workers increased from 7.6, 6.8 and 5.5 to 8.3, 7.5 and 7.3 respectively.
Overall
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

,
manufacturing
Correct article usage
the manufacturing

It seems that there is an article usage problem here.

show examples
 industry employed the maximum
number
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of people in 1989,
while
Linking Words

Usage of linking words is important in IELTS writing. They help create clear connections between ideas in your writing. They improve the flow of your essay by showing relationships between paragraphs and sentences. Using appropriate linking words demonstrates your ability to write cohesively and will help you achieve a higher band score.

 healthcare employed the highest
number
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 in 2009. In both these years, the least
number
Use synonyms

It is important to use synonyms in your writing, as you will lose marks if you repeat words from the question and use the same words in your essay over and over. If you do that, it will show the examiner that you have a limited vocabulary and you want to do the opposite for a high band score.

 of people worked in the tourism industry.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Basic structure: Change the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Replace the words number, percentage with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "give" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "number of" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportion" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "decreased" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "increased" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the second paragraph.
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Vocabulary: Use several vocabularies to present the data in the third paragraph.
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