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Writing Samples
Band 6.5

The pie chart shows the percentage of women in poverty and the bar chart shows poverty rates by sex and age. They are from the United States in 2008.

The pie chart shows the percentage of women in poverty and the bar chart shows poverty rates by sex and age. They are from the United States in 2008.
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The pie
chart
Use synonyms
 illustrates the proportions of
women
Use synonyms
 in poverty conditions in
United
Correct article usage
the United
show examples
 States in 2008.
Also
Linking Words
, the bar
chart
Use synonyms
 describes poverty ratios by sex and age.
Moreover
Linking Words
, it is easy to observe that single
women
Use synonyms
 with no dependent children have the highest percentage at 54%
while
Linking Words
 married
women
Use synonyms
 with no dependent children have the lowest
by
Change preposition
at
show examples
 8%. Followed by married
women
Use synonyms
 with dependent children with 13%.
Furthermore
Linking Words
, Single
women
Use synonyms
 with dependent kids take approximately a quarter of the pie
chart
Use synonyms
 with 26%.
However
Linking Words
, the bar graph shows that
women
Use synonyms
 between 18-24 , under 5 and
men
Use synonyms
 under 5 have the highest percentage at 20%.
In contrast
Linking Words
,
women
Use synonyms
 between 55-59 have the lowest proportion at 10% but the lowest of
men
Use synonyms
 is between 75 and up at 5%.
Although
Linking Words
, some
men
Use synonyms
's groups by age have the same percentage
such
Linking Words
 as 35-44, 45-54 , 55-59 and 65 - 74 which are near to 10%.
overall
Linking Words
, both
of
Change preposition
apply
show examples
the pie
chart
Use synonyms
 and bar graph show
the
Correct your spelling
that
show examples
women
Use synonyms
significantely
Correct your spelling
significantly
 reached the highest numbers rather than
men
Use synonyms
 over all genders and ages but
also
Linking Words
men
Use synonyms
 reached high numbers in some ages.

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Sentences: Add more complex sentences.
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Linking words: Don't use the same linking words: "also".
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Vocabulary: Replace the words chart, women, men with synonyms.
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Vocabulary: The word "chart" was used 4 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "graph" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "shows" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "percentage" was used 3 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "proportions" was used 2 times.
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Vocabulary: The word "reached" was used 2 times.
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