IELTS Writing Correction Service /
Writing Samples /
Band 2.5

Some people believe that everyone has a right to have access to University education and that government should make it free-for-all students no matter what financial background they have. To what extent do you agree or disagree?

#people #right #access #university #education #government #free-for-all #students #matter #background
The chart provides key information about the number of enjoying of leisure
time
 by
men
 and
women
 of various employment
status
Fix the agreement mistake
statuses
show examples
. The units are measured in
hours
.
Overall
, it is clear from the graph that males had a significant impact on
retired
Replace the word
retirement
show examples
 and they
were
Unnecessary verb
apply
show examples
spent more
time
 in entertainment activities
due to
 their
did
Verb problem
apply
show examples
not
have
Wrong verb form
having
show examples
 a job.
In addition
, the
women
 were working a
part
Add a hyphen
part-time
show examples
time
 job at 40
hours
,
whereas
men
 had nothing to do other jobs.
According to
 what is shown, unemployment was
a
Change the article
the
show examples
 highest rate of enjoyment for males and females.
Moreover
,
men
 were more spent roughly at 85
hours
 ,
while
women
 were slightly less at 79
hours
. In terms of
full
Add a hyphen
full-time
show examples
time
 employment, the males
was
Change the verb form
were
show examples
 more allocated for their enjoyable life about
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
45
hours
. For
women
, they demonstrated lower rates than
men
 nearby at 39
hours
. In fact, housewives represented only females
were
Correct pronoun usage
who were
show examples
 enjoying their free
time
approximately
Change preposition
for approximately
show examples
at
Change preposition
apply
show examples
45
hours
.
Submitted by raghadyaseer2015 on

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Coherence and Cohesion
Your essay could benefit from an introductory paragraph that clearly outlines what the data describes and the main points you will discuss. Consider adding an introduction to provide context and a clear interpretation of the chart, as well as a conclusion to summarize the main points.
Coherence and Cohesion
Ensure that your comparisons and contrasts are clearly linked with cohesive devices (e.g., 'however', 'moreover', 'in contrast'). This will help your essay flow better and make it easier for the reader to follow your arguments.
Task Achievement
Try to provide a more thorough analysis of the chart by discussing possible reasons behind the trends and comparing the specific data points more clearly.
Task Achievement
Your essay provides a clear comparison between men's and women's leisure time across different employment statuses. Your use of specific data from the chart helps to ground your observations in concrete evidence.
Coherence and Cohesion
You have included interpretations of the data, mentioning who spends more or less leisure time, which shows an analytical approach.

Fully explain your ideas

To get an excellent score in the IELTS Task 2 writing section, one of the easiest and most effective tips is structuring your writing in the most solid format. A great argument essay structure may be divided to four paragraphs, in which comprises of four sentences (excluding the conclusion paragraph, which comprises of three sentences).

For we to consider an essay structure a great one, it should be looking like this:

  • Paragraph 1 - Introduction
    • Sentence 1 - Background statement
    • Sentence 2 - Detailed background statement
    • Sentence 3 - Thesis
    • Sentence 4 - Outline sentence
  • Paragraph 2 - First supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 3 - Second supporting paragraph
    • Sentence 1 - Topic sentence
    • Sentence 2 - Example
    • Sentence 3 - Discussion
    • Sentence 4 - Conclusion
  • Paragraph 4 - Conclusion
    • Sentence 1 - Summary
    • Sentence 2 - Restatement of thesis
    • Sentence 3 - Prediction or recommendation

Our recommended essay structure above comprises of fifteen (15) sentences, which will make your essay approximately 250 to 275 words.

Discover more tips in The Ultimate Guide to Get a Target Band Score of 7+ »— a book that's free for 🚀 Premium users.

Topic Vocabulary:
  • access to higher education
  • social equity
  • economic development
  • workforce
  • financial constraints
  • narrow the gap
  • taxpayers
  • financial resources
  • burden
  • limited budget
  • quality of education
  • larger class sizes
  • overburdened facilities
  • decline in quality
  • responsibility
  • dedicated to their studies
  • sense of accountability
  • vocational training
  • apprenticeships
  • diversify educational pathways
What to do next:
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